For Your Benefit
by jstar1382
Summary: "This wasn't her typical scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom." - Season 3 AU based around the time of the Johanna Beckett Scholarship Benefit. *2015 Winter Castle Ficathon*
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Castle and its characters belong to ABC. Obviously not me._

 _Extra special thanks to Lou for the prompt ;)_

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

Chapter 1

 _You are cordially invited to the_

 _1_ _st_ _Annual Dinner & Auction to benefit the_

 _Johanna Beckett Scholarship Foundation_

Kate stared down at the elegant, ivory invitation, tracing the script letters and carding it through her fingers before she placed it back onto her kitchen counter. She couldn't believe Castle had gone through all this trouble, just for her. Never in her life had she known someone who was so selfless and giving. Yet, she should have known better by now.

This was who he was, this was what he did. Each and every day, he was generous to a fault, caring about the people in his life that mattered to him. She mattered to him. Even if it was never stated out loud, she had known it with each passing glance and every warm latte on her desk in the morning. Words were Castle's expertise, but sometimes they weren't needed.

He had weaved his way into her life and had quickly become her best friend. Months ago she had thought maybe they could have something more together, but it blew up in her face when Gina showed up at the precinct to walk off into the sunset with Castle. She had been an emotional wreck last summer because of it, but she knew better now - being friends with him was worth more than risking it all over something that had little chance of working out.

Castle was rich and famous, and she was – _not_.

Plus, she had Josh now and he was a good guy. He was the perfect distraction after Castle had left for the summer. They had fun together - when they saw each other. He had a demanding job, always busy saving lives and she couldn't fault him that. Yet, she wished for more. Wished to have someone who could be her partner in crime and in life and she couldn't fool herself into thinking she'd ever have that with him.

Josh was a placeholder. He was someone to keep her company until she could really dive into it with _her_ someone. Images of Castle danced across her thoughts and she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath to cleanse her mind. She shouldn't feel that way about him. After misreading the situation in the summer and licking her wounds from the disaster that was Demming and Gina and the Hamptons, she allowed him back into her life while trying to protect her heart. She had been doing so well at avoiding her feelings for Castle.

He was her best friend, but then they _kissed_.

It hadn't been just any kiss. The kiss was the kind of thing that warmed her body, causing her heart to thrum erratically against her chest while sending electric sparks through each nerve ending that covered her skin. Her cheeks flushed from the memory of it. Neither one of them had mentioned it since that night - the veil of being undercover had helped them avoid the discussion of what it had meant to their relationship.

Relationship? She mentally scolded herself for using _that_ word; they didn't have a relationship – a partnership, but not a relationship.

She had a relationship with Josh, not Castle. Castle was her best friend, nothing more, nothing less.

Groaning at the direction her mind had taken again; Kate looked up at the clock on her stove and panicked. She needed to start getting ready if she wanted to be halfway presentable for the benefit. This wasn't her typical scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom.

Kate had nearly made it into her room when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. The image of her boyfriend on the caller ID pulled her from her musings about Castle. At least something could bring her back to reality.

"Hey Josh. I'm just about to jump in the shower," she said, reaching for her robe from the hook on her door. She heard him sigh and then force a chuckle, almost like he was nervous. The sound made her heart drop as she suddenly aware of what this call was for.

"Sorry I can't be there for that. Look, Kate, I'm sor-"

"You're not coming?" she asked, but she knew. She should've known all along. Work would always come first with him. Her mind swirled with the conclusion before he even voiced it out loud. Her best friend and partner planned an entire event to honor her mother and her boyfriend can't even be bothered to attend.

"I'm going to try," Josh explained. "I promise I'll try, but I was called into a consultation for a triple bypass. I have to-"

"No, I get it," Kate added, her voice quiet, trying her best to hide her disappointment. There wasn't a point in arguing. She had hoped that just once, maybe she would be the priority to him, but she should've known better. "You're right. That's more important."

"Not more important, just different important." He was stammering. Yet, the excuses weren't changing the fact. Maybe she was just a placeholder to him as well.

"I'll be fine. Try to make it if you can." She tried to lighten her tone - no point in him to knowing that she was upset. It wouldn't change anything and if she made him feel guilty when lives were on the line, what would that say about her? Just once she wanted to matter.

Maybe she didn't matter to him, but she did to Castle.

"Have fun tonight if I don't see you. Hopefully you raise a ton of money and I'll be sure to write a nice check toward the cause."

"Josh, you don't need to." The last thing she needed was for him to donate out of guilt. He didn't understand enough about her mom anyway, she didn't share much with him. It wasn't how their relationship was, they just scraped the surface.

"No, but I want to. I'll call you later, Kate. I have to go."

"Yeah _, later_. Bye," she said with forced understanding, as she ended the call and shoved her phone back in her pocket. Combing her fingers through her hair, she sighed and closed her eyes at the realization.

She would have to show up alone.

* * *

Stepping out of her shower onto the cool tiles, a shiver raced down her spine from the contact and left her skin with prickles of goosebumps in its wake. The steam from the shower might have fogged up the mirrors, but it did little to keep the bathroom warm enough to fill the void that the scalding water left behind.

Her mom used to yell at her for using up all the hot water with her showers, but it was a habit that she never outgrew. There was something about the way the spray reddened her skin and warmed her insides, it made her come alive. As she wrapped herself in the fluffy, cotton towel, she could almost still hear her mom knocking on the door, scolding her.

Kate smiled to herself, lost in the memory. God, she missed her every day. She opened the door, the steam billowing out into her bedroom, and shook her head at the thought.

Today wasn't about missing her.

Today was about honoring her.

Gazing down at her dress that she had laid out across her bed, she smiled at its beauty. It was fancier than anything she would have typically picked out for herself, but Lanie had insisted it was the one. She had to admit, now that the night was here, it was perfect. While admiring the gown, she saw her phone light up with Castle's caller ID picture popping up on the screen.

"Hey, Castle," she answered, a smile stretching across her face before she mentally scolded herself for the reaction. He was just her annoying partner with crazy theories, a call from him shouldn't shoot warmth through her veins.

"Tell me you are ready for the time of your life tonight," he said. She could hear his smile through the line. His excitement was contagious, the statement causing her heart to race.

"That's a pretty big statement," she teased with a laugh. "But I am about to start getting dressed."

"Well, if you need any help, you know I'm always available for assistance." His tone lowered with each word he spoke which didn't calm the thrum in her veins. Pulling her towel closer to her skin, she bit down on her lip to hold back her smile as blood rushed to color her cheeks. Her poker face was nowhere to be seen, but she was lucky to be masked through the barrier of the phone.

"Funny, but I'll pass. Was there something you needed?" she asked, as she looked through her closet for the pair of strappy heels to match her dress and will show off her freshly manicured nails.

"I wanted to warn you. When you and Josh arrive, there's going to be a press line. I'm sure it won't be anything huge, but Paula suggested that if we invited a couple photographers, maybe the Foundation could get a couple anonymous donations via any magazine or newspaper attention the fundraiser may get."

"Makes sense – I guess," she said, her voice soft. He cared enough about her past uncertainty with the media attention to call and let her know. For as childish as he could act sometimes, Castle was considerate when it mattered. "And thanks for the warning, Castle, but I don't think Josh is coming. It'll just be me."

Silence hung on the line for a moment, she didn't want to say anything more, but a quiet grumble through the speaker made it obvious that Castle was trying to find the right thing to say. He tried to keep his feelings about Josh to himself for the most part; his acting skills could use some work, however. It was no secret that her partner wasn't exactly a fan of her boyfriend.

"You're going alone? Why -?" His tone shifted, harsher, saying far more with the change in mood than words ever could.

"He was called in for a consultation," she mumbled, sitting down on the edge of her mattress. "Saving the world one surgery at a time…"

"Beckett –"

A pity party wouldn't help anything right now and Castle had bigger finishing touches to worry about. The fact that her altruistic boyfriend cancelled plans with her again wasn't something he had time to concern himself with.

"It's fine. I'm a big girl, Castle," she assured, managing to make her voice sound far more upbeat than she felt."I don't need someone to hold my hand."

"Are you sure? I could come –" he offered, the words making her heart flutter as she tapped down her smile. She had known he would offer if he found out, but she couldn't let him ruin his plans because hers changed. Castle was already doing so much.

"No, Castle. I'm fine, I promise. You have Alexis and Martha to worry about." Kate paused, looking at the time again. She needed to finish getting ready or she'd be more than fashionably late. "I'll see you there."

"Beckett. This is for –"

"Not about me," she said, cutting him off before he objected further. "It's for my mom, Castle. Not about me. I'll see you soon." She ended the call before he could even respond. Throwing the phone onto her comforter, Kate closed her eyes and tried to push the last hour from her mind. She couldn't shake her nagging train of thought…

Castle cared more that she was attending alone than Josh did.

The fact should break her heart.

It should, but it didn't.

* * *

Forty five minutes later, Kate gave herself a small nod of approval into the mirror and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. She felt like she was going to prom again. Of course she lived her life in jeans and leather jackets, but there was something to be said about dressing up every once in awhile.

The shimmering gold color of her floor length satin gown was elegant enough for the event, while the one shoulder gathered neckline still left an element of fun. She hadn't wanted her dress to be too serious; she had already mourned her mother all those years ago at her funeral. Tonight was about her life, not about her death.

She reached for the simple black wrap that was thrown across her chair and she placed over her bare arms. It wasn't warm enough to wear the sleeveless dress without a coat, but if she was dressing up tonight, she wasn't going to let a coat cover any of it. Adjusting the fabric onto her inner elbows, Kate threw her phone and lipstick into her clutch and walked out of the room.

Castle had sent her a text as she was drying her hair and insisted that she use his car service as a compromise if she had to arrive by herself. She hesitated, not one to acknowledge when she needed help; she was going to take a cab after her plans with Josh fell through, but this was so much better. Kate bit down on her bottom lip, trying to hold back her smile that threatened to break free as she thought about her partner. He was always so eager to play "knight in shining armor" and she'd be lying to herself if she didn't admit that the role suited him.

This whole night was Castle playing that part and there simply weren't enough words to thank him for everything that he had done to organize this entire evening. A quick knock pulled her from her thoughts; the car service was right on time. With a deep breath, she slid into her heels and answered the door.

"Castle?" she asked, her mouth gaping open.

Her heart hammered in her chest as a grin stretched across her mouth. Ever the white knight, he handed her a single red rose with a matching smile.

"My driver couldn't make it," he stated with a wink.

"Mmhmm," she hummed, as a soft melodic laugh slipped from her lips. Her smile never faded as she felt warmth spread across her cheeks. She reached for the perfect flower, but her feet were frozen in place. He was full of surprises. Lifting the delicate red petals to her nose, the scent shook her from the daze as she met his eyes.

"Ready?" His voice was strong and sure, the sound wrapping her body in its warmth as he offered her his bent arm to escort her to the car. She couldn't trust her voice when she placed her hand against the fabric of his tuxedo. All she managed was a small nod before she moved to lock her front door. Turning back to her partner, she found his eyes had never left her, studying every one of her actions.

"Thank you, Castle," she said, whispering the only words that weren't tied on her tongue. It wasn't much, but as his lips stretched in an answering grin.

It was enough.

* * *

 _ **Tbc**_

 _Thanks so much for reading and going on this adventure!_

 _The story is completely plotted out and should be about ten chapters long, with updates at least weekly. I couldn't pass up participating in the Castle Ficathon when I am one of those in charge of running it!_

 _Can't wait to hear what you think! xoxo_

.

 _Thanks to beta squad for the red ink and thanks to Jo for the cover art!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: In complete awe of the response you've all given to this story. Thank you._

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

The city flashed by on the way to the benefit. An energy that hummed from the streets as the sights and sounds of a New York City Saturday night danced across her vision.

People rushed through; tourists snapping pictures, families chasing after their excited children while some were dressed to the nines headed toward their night out much like she was. The flashes of life, the sounds, everything about it made her feel at ease. This was where she grew up; this was her home, for better or worse, through all its faults. She loved the city.

Kate leaned back against the leather seat with a content sigh, relaxing against the passenger headrest beside Castle in his bright red Ferrari as he weaved through the traffic. There was comfortable silence between them. He wasn't pushing or prying for information about her reflective mood. Castle simply relaxed against the leather seat and allowed her time to process everything as he drove. This was the longest he had been quiet since she had known him, but something clued him in that she needed this. It was like he knew what she needed better than anyone, maybe even better than herself.

Her mind was reeling with everything she wanted to say and everything she knew she shouldn't. He showed up tonight, pushing his way in when he knew he should and stepping back when it was appropriate. They'd had an eventful couple of months together, near death experiences drawing them closer by the day. It had changed things. There was a constant electric current that flowed between them now, a buzzing that wouldn't disappear.

Was it possible that he could feel the same way?

She glanced over to find his eyes on her already, a warm upturn to his lips.

"I'm sorry Josh couldn't come…"

Her heart dropped. Castle meant well, she knew he did, but the words sucked all the oxygen from her lungs.

Josh.

He was still in her life and even though he didn't have all the time in the world for her, he was still a good person. He sometimes just had trouble showing it.

Looking down at her hands, Kate offered him a small shrug. "Let's just enjoy the night, Castle. I don't want to think about that anymore." Her mouth formed a thin tight-lipped smile, resolving to have a good time tonight with her friends and family. If he couldn't be there for her, that was his loss. She'd worry about what to do with her relationship on another night.

The car pulled up to building, where the low key red carpet was set up on the sidewalk. As far as Richard Castle parties and events went, this was a tasteful and modest entrance. She sighed, trying to calm the pounding in her chest. Even if though there weren't many reporters, she still didn't love the idea of having to deal with them at all. Panic flashed across Castle's expression when he caught her looking back at him.

"I know it doesn't look like much," he murmured, his words lacking confidence, edging on nervousness. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she shook her head and smiled.

"Castle, we're not even inside, yet. Let me judge it for myself when I see it." She shot him a quick wink and leaned to her left to bump shoulders with him, trying to lighten the mood. It worked, with a short chuckle and a nod; he slid from out of the driver's side.

They were going to have a good time; she'd make sure of it.

* * *

Castle walked around the car to open her door, turning for a second toward the onset of camera flashes. He had told Paula to keep the press as conservative as possible, but he should've known better. Recently, he hadn't attended many events, so the page six paparazzi have had a bit of a Richard Castle drought, not that they would get any scandalous pictures from a charity event. He looked at Beckett and she seemed unfazed by the entrance and the people, until the photographers caught sight of her. The noise from the red carpet roared to life when they realized he showed up with the real Nikki Heat. He turned back to find his partner, wide-eyed and frozen in her spot. His nerves tied his stomach in knots, he should have told Paula no about the media. All he could hope now was that he hadn't ruined the entire night.

"Beckett?" he said, offering her a hand with a tentative glance in her direction.

Even with the sinful slit that her dress had that he tried to avoid staring at, Beckett had a bit of difficulty scooting out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward as one of her heels got caught in a crack on the asphalt, managing to find her balance when her hands landed on his chest while his fell against the satin clinging to her waist. He could feel the heat of her body radiating from the fabric as his mind wandered to what secrets might lie beneath the hypnotizing material. The sound of Beckett clearing her throat tore him from his daydream.

"Um, Castle? Your hands?" she asked, smirking up at him.

His skin flushed when he realized that he was still touching her.

"Oops. Sorry!" His hands flew from her sides as if he had been burned by the contact, fluttering his fingers in front of her for evidence that they had been removed.

"Little early in the night to cop a feel. At least get me a drink first," she teased, sauntering by to step onto the red carpet. The sultry tone to her words left his mouth gaping open. Who needed a room full of people? All he wanted right now was to be alone with his detective. Beckett glanced over her shoulder and shot him a quick wink. "You coming, Castle?"

Was he coming? He'd follow her anywhere, she was the most intriguing person he had ever met and still after all this time, he was constantly surprised by her. His heart raced as Beckett's darkened eyelashes fluttered in his direction. For a moment, the rest of the world disappeared and all he could see was the brunette beauty in front of him. If being a detective ever didn't work out, she could easily fall back on a career as a model, because tonight the way she wore that gown was intoxicating.

It took him far too long to realize he was still standing on the curb, staring at her. He needed to pull himself together; Beckett was just his friend and partner – nothing more. With an embarrassed laugh, he nodded and ran after her to join her on the carpet.

The photographers called for their attention to pose for some pictures before they were interviewed by a couple reporters. They were able to explain the importance of the event and Beckett was even able to share a short anecdote about her mom. Her tentative mood seemed to disappear as she came alive on the red carpet talking to the journalists. He couldn't help but be in awe of her, and the fact that Josh was MIA – all the better.

Tonight was going to be a good night.

* * *

This was too much.

Kate's eyes scanned the ballroom as they walked through the door and her jaw dropped. It was gorgeous – all of it. Soft Christmas lights lined the ceiling, to give it the impression of being outside under the stars which was aided by the small candles placed on the tables throughout the room. Shimmering gold accents among the elegant black and white linens added a pop of color and warmth to the space. She looked down at her dress and it dawned on her. Lanie must have known the colors and that was why she insisted that she wore this dress.

Her mouth continued to gape open as she took it all in, a bit dazed. It was simply amazing. She felt Castle lead her to the bar to get a drink before they sat down, but she couldn't even focus long enough to order. Everything was exquisitely decorated down to the finest detail.

"Castle, it's _perfect_ ," she whispered, smiling. God, she didn't think she'd ever stop smiling because of this. How could he go through all this trouble? Just for her?

"Really? You like it?" he asked, his face lighting up like a kid at Christmas, causing her heart to thrum in her chest. He acted like he had thought she wouldn't have approved and that idea alone was the most ridiculous thought. No one had ever gone through so much trouble for her in her entire life.

She accepted the glass of red that he ordered for her and took a slow sip. He even made sure they had her favorite type of wine.

" _Like it_?" she asked, her voice thick in her throat. "I just – I can't believe you did all of this for me – for my mom."

She was sure she looked like a deer in headlights, but it was overwhelming. Blinking back the happy tears that threatened to fall, she couldn't imagine how she was so lucky to have someone like Castle in her life. He placed his hand along her upper arm, with a gentle caress - apparently their customary 'no touching rule' had vanished for the evening - as her skin warmed under his palm.

"Beckett, I wish I could've known her. She seemed like a remarkable woman. It's the least I could do." He took a sip of his scotch before he led her through the rest of the room, passing by the hors d'oeuvres and all the silent auction items. There wasn't one thing he hadn't thought of and every last item was exactly how her mom would've wanted it.

Standing with her back toward the door, she stopped Castle in his tracks with a smile.

"She would've loved this," she hummed. "Added to the fact that she was a huge fan of yours, she wouldn't have believed that the man she stood in line for over an hour would do this for her." Kate smiled at the idea. Johanna Beckett was one of the biggest Richard Castle fan right from the start of his career.

"Wait – I met your mom?"

"You did," she said, with a short nod before taking another sip of her drink. "She stood in line to get her copy of _Flowers for Your Grave_ signed – the same copy that's now sitting on my bookshelf."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?" he asked, quiet surprise laced in every syllable. This Castle, the gentle reserved one, this was her best friend, the man that the public didn't get to see, and she was honored that she did.

"Didn't want your ego to get any bigger," she teased as his face broke out into a smile. "Your head wouldn't fit through the door."

"So that's why you knew that book so well during the Tisdale murder…"

"Partly. She was a huge fan of yours, Castle, so after she died – reading your books helped me feel connected to her. Your words helped me," she said, trying to shrug off the emotion that was choking up her voice and clouding her vision. She stared down at her black painted toenails, trying to get a hold of herself.

"Kate…" The use of her first name grabbed her attention as her head tilted up to meet his eyes. His expression was full of lov- awe. _Awe_ – nothing else, because anything else would be an inappropriate way to describe it. They were standing in the middle of crowded ballroom and she currently was in a relationship with another man. Her story just caught him off guard, that's all it was, all it could be. He looked down at her, with his lips turned up, before stretching wide into a grin. Her heart fluttered, bringing with it an onset of terrifying thoughts.

Oh, God. This was all too much right now. She forced herself to place a hand against his bicep to try and stop whatever declaration he was about to make.

"I just wanted you to know how much all of this means to me. It doesn't feel like enough to just say thank you so I wanted to share something about her, with you," she said, her eyes searching the room again and landing on the screen that displayed a slideshow of pictures of her mom and their family. It made her wonder if her dad was here, yet. He would love all the pictures that were chosen.

"I know I can't bring her back," he said, stepping closer to her and lowering his voice to keep their conversation out of curious ears. "I wish I could, Beckett, but anything I can do to celebrate her memory – for you…"

"It's more than I could ever ask for. _Really_. Thank you for this." She reached for his hand and gave it a small squeeze. Tonight was perfect and being here with him - it made the idea of more, not so far out of their reach. Chewing down on her bottom lip, Kate considered what else she could possible say to him. How else could she show him how much she appreciated everything? She looked into Castle's eyes and everything went black. Her vision was covered, as she felt hands blocking her eyes.

"Surprise," the voice husked in her ear, warm breath against her skin. Dropping Castle's hand, Kate turned around, confused by the sudden pang of disappointment in the pit of her stomach.

"Josh?"

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks so much for reading! I would love to hear what you think!_

 _xoxo_

 _My lovely group of betas and friends...I may whine but you make me work for this. Thanks._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thanks again for reading and your lovely words!_

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 ** _Chapter 3_**

The night had been going so well, too well. He should have known better, known that the constantly dangling carrot was still out of his reach. _Beckett_ was still out of his reach. Even though he should have expected it, the simple fact that Josh was standing there hugging her, caused acid to rise in his throat - if only the floor would swallow him whole.

Castle averted his eyes from their lover's embrace, about to slip away to mingle with some of the other guests, but something about Beckett's body language seemed off. Her spine was rigid as she backed away from Josh's arm, turning back to include Castle into the conversation. He studied the look in her eyes, she seemed conflicted and it made him second guess himself. Maybe he had misread the entire situation with her absentee doctor.

"I – uh, what happened with your meeting?" Her voice was quiet and eyes downcast into her glass, without a trace of happiness like he would have expected.

"They rescheduled until tomorrow morning, so I figured I'd check in to see how this was going," Josh explained, grinning like a proud schoolboy. The mere arrogant statement had Castle bubbling with irritation, but he knew it wouldn't get him anywhere. He had to smile and nod, trying his best to tolerate his presence for Beckett's sake. If this was who his best friend chose to be with, he had to be okay with it if he wanted to still be in her life at all.

"We just got here a little while ago," she said, shifting on the balls of her feet.

"We?" Josh's eyebrows shot up and Castle couldn't help but feel smug at his reaction.

"Yeah, Castle brought me." She looked over at him and gave him a smile that he shouldn't be lucky enough to be on the receiving end of, but it's the one he tried to pull out of her every time he saw her.

"That's really considerate, Castle. Thanks for doing all of this for her," Josh said, beaming as he wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her closer. The act caused a sinking feeling to tear apart his insides; he wanted nothing more than being allowed to hold her, pressing her weight against his side.

"I'd do anything for her," he murmured, meeting Beckett's eyes as he spoke. A faint pink tinted her cheeks as she bit down on her bottom lip, abusing the skin. No matter what, even if they could never be together, he wanted her to understand.

"She's lucky to have such a great partner. I didn't even realize her mom _had_ a foundation until she told me about tonight," he said, shrugging as he pushed his free hand through his hair.

Castle watched Kate glance down at her feet; it seemed she didn't tell Josh a lot about her personal life - at least that was his impression from the outside looking in. It was odd, in the past she had always been guarded, closed off to everyone, but recently she had started to share more of herself with him. Castle had passed it off as she was opening up more with everyone in her life; he hadn't thought that he was special.

Maybe he was.

"Castle actually started the foundation," she added. He couldn't help but feel a little proud as he noticed Josh's jaw drop a little.

"Really?" Josh scoffed, dropping his arm from her waist. "That's a pretty significant thing to do for someone you work with."

"It's nothing, really. Just a way to put some of the Nikki Heat profits to good use," he said, trying to play it off. Part of the profits were already going into a fund for Beckett anyway, she'd kill him if she knew about it, but when the idea of the foundation came up, he threw some extra into that as well. He had enough money to last a lifetime and then some; why not take care of those that he loved?

Loved? God, he couldn't think like that. Not loved, he cared about her; he couldn't love someone who was unattainable.

"I would've never thought to do this," Josh admitted.

"Well we can't all save lives like you can…" Castle said, with a half-hearted chuckle. This conversation was going nowhere fast and if he didn't walk away, he would end up saying something he'd regret. "I'm going to go mingle with some of the other guests that are arriving. I'll catch up with you both later."

"Castle, you don't need to-" Beckett shook her head, trying to reach out to stop him, but he couldn't play third wheel any longer.

"It's okay, _really_. You two have fun," he said, with a quick squeeze to her upper arm as he passed by. There was no point in trying to compete with Josh, he was the one Beckett chose to be with - no matter how much that tore him up inside.

* * *

Kate's heart dropped as she watched her partner move through the steady stream of guests that were entering the ballroom. She really should greet the guests with him, but he couldn't leave her side fast enough. It was kind of funny, earlier in the night she wanted nothing more than her boyfriend to escort her to the dinner, but now it felt wrong to stand by his side instead of Castle's. This newfound disappointment with Josh's presence was really throwing her off of her game, but if she was truly being honest, this feeling hadn't just begun tonight.

"He went through a lot of trouble for you, Kate," Josh said, his eyes seemed to mock the idea, as one of his eyebrows arched, looking down at her.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she scoffed. His reaction was childish but petty, not endearing like the child-like innocence that Castle greeted the world with; Josh's reaction was fueled by an entirely green emotion. He really didn't have a right to be jealous; he was the one that cancelled on her.

"No, not a bad thing, just a little overzealous."

"He's my best friend, Josh." She stepped away, out of his arms, as her irritation began to rise. "This is how he is with people he cares about."

"He definitely _cares_ about you…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It's just – I don't know, forget I said anything," he said, shaking his head and holding his hands out in apology with a slight smirk. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," she sighed. "Let's just enjoy the evening." She'd be damned if she was going to let him ruin tonight. He could be irrational about Castle on another night. Tonight, she was going to let all the cracks in their relationship just roll off her back and enjoy everything that her partner did for this fundraiser.

Josh couldn't change that.

She took a long sip of her wine as she watched his eyes run down the length of her body. "You look hot in that dress. I wish you'd dress up for me more often." He winked, running his hand down her arm to lace his fingers with hers. She forced a smile, but her previous irritation was still on the forefront of her mind.

"Well that would involve us seeing each other more than a couple times a month," she added, trying to untangle herself, but he shook his head, insistent.

"Let's fix that, Kate," he pleaded, using his free hand to cup her cheek. His touch felt cold against her skin, the symbolism glaringly obvious. "Let's go away for the weekend – just you and me. No work interruptions."

"I don't – I don't know. That sounds nice, but I don't really think it's possible for either one of us to put work away for a weekend."

"Kate, you're important to me too. Maybe I didn't throw you a huge benefit like this, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I can be there for you-"

Almost on cue, she heard his phone buzz in his tuxedo pocket. The universe was funny that way. Universe? God, now she was thinking like Castle.

"Looks like someone is sending you the bat-signal, Batman."

"You know I have to take this," he said, motioning to the phone and she nodded.

"I know. Go be a superhero," she said, forcing her tight lipped mouth to turn upward, as he brushed a kiss to her temple and rushed out of the ballroom.

Josh couldn't manage a ten minute conversation with her without thinking about work, and typically when it came to their relationship, neither could she. A weekend alone together? The idea worked for other couples, but they weren't in that type of relationship, and this was the moment she realized they never would be. Their careers would always be both of their top priorities. There wasn't enough between them to make it worth the sacrifice.

Her half-hearted smile faded with her decision. It was time to stop pretending because life was too short to hide in a relationship that had no future. She took the last sip from her glass of red and set it on a passing waiter's tray.

Most of the guests had arrived by this point, many of the city's elite in attendance mingling and bidding. They were all here to support her mom's foundation – all here because of Castle. She said hello to a few guests as she made her way back to the bar to get another glass of wine before she walked around in search of friends and family.

Her dad was sitting at a table, chatting and laughing with Ryan, Esposito and Lanie. She hadn't noticed any of them slip in; probably too preoccupied with her own thoughts to even realize what was happening around her.

"Hey, Dad," she said, leaning down to give him a hug before waving at her friends. "Hey, guys. Thanks for coming."

"Katie, Rick really out did himself," he beamed. "Your mom would've loved it."

Warmth spread throughout her body as she grinned at her father. She hadn't seen him this happy in a really long time.

"Yeah, she would have. He worked hard on this, that's for sure."

"Your dress looks great, Girl," Lanie called from across the table with a knowing wink. She rolled her eyes at her friend's obvious request for a compliment, but she fed her the words anyway.

"You were right," she said, laughing.

"That's all I wanted to hear you say."

"So, where is Rick by the way?" Jim asked, looking over his shoulder, almost expecting him to be standing next to her. "I wanted to thank him myself for all of this."

"I haven't seen him in a little while, actually. He's working the crowd, I think."

"Tell him to keep working it, Beckett. All the more money to raise for the scholarship," Esposito added before Lanie elbowed him. The statement didn't even faze her anymore; she had been around her partners far too long. Tact wasn't something that Ryan or Esposito typically exercised.

"Is Josh here?" Ryan piped up, further supporting her opinion of the pair. His question rang in her ears, as her head snapped to earn him a glare causing him to cover his mouth as if to suck the words back through his lips.

"Yes or at least he was? The hospital called…" she said with a shrug. Her dad turned in his chair to fully look her in the eyes and smiled. She knew what was coming next, but she wanted to be wrong.

"Are you going to finally introduce me to that doctor of yours, Katie?"

"We'll see, Dad," she said, with a soft groan, trying her best to not roll her eyes at his question.

"You never did like to introduce me to your boyfriends," he said, chuckling into his glass of soda.

"Some things never change, I guess." She shrugged, offering him a small smile. Truth be told, she hadn't intended on Josh meeting her dad at all. Separation of church and state, she had always tried to compartmentalize her life as much as possible. It wasn't like Josh was anxious for her to meet his parents, either.

She wasn't one of those people. Maybe she wouldn't ever be – with anyone.

 _Castle._

Her partner's name flashed again in her thoughts, constantly nagging at her subconscious. It had been easy with him, she'd already met his family and the idea of him interacting with her father didn't cause her heart to race with anxiety. Everything just felt natural.

It shouldn't though. They were just friends, it didn't matter the looks he gave her or the things he had said. Obviously, he found her attractive; any person in their lives could see that, but anything more that physical attraction? No, he had made that clear when he left with Gina over the summer. Castle cared about her as a friend only, nothing more. She needed to accept that and stop creating fantasies in her mind.

Avoiding the expectant eyes of her family and friends at the table, her attention roamed through the crowded ballroom where she found Castle standing near the podium, waving her over.

"I'm sorry. Looks like I'm needed," she said, motioning over to where he stood.

"And Beckett, tell Castle not to be a stranger over there," Esposito joked.

"I'll pass the message," she shot back with a laugh.

* * *

"Couldn't survive without me?" she teased, as her gorgeous lithe figure glided over toward him. He almost answered embarrassingly fast, but luckily his brain filtered his initial reaction.

"Well you know, I missed someone glaring at me and telling me how much I'm annoying them."

"Then you definitely need me in your life."

"It's your calling," he joked, with a wink. He had noticed that Josh was nowhere to be seen, but decided it wasn't the best thing to question. If he was still here, he was bound to show up, but if he left again, there was no reason to upset her. It was his job to bring joy into her life, not to cause her undue pain.

"So, the boys and my dad were looking for you." She pointed toward the table and gave her a nod.

"I meant to stop over. I was stuck chatting to the mayor this entire time," he groaned. "I swear Weldon – he can really talk a person's ear off."

"Oh, you're one to talk," she scoffed, but the sound quickly transformed into a giggle. He made badass Detective Kate Beckett, _giggle_. This needed to be added into the record books somewhere.

"Hey, comparatively speaking, I'm a mute." He laughed as she bumped her hip against his and rolled her eyes, the teasing press against his side shot sparks through his body. It was such a pathetic result from a friendly gesture, but he couldn't help it. Kate Beckett put every one of his reactions on overdrive.

"I'll believe that when I see it." Her eyes were dancing with joy, a light happiness that had dampened when Josh had surprised her earlier. It was nice to see it return. Maybe the wine had finally kicked in and she was more relaxed.

"He was hoping to talk to you a bit tonight."

"For sure," she agreed. "I want to thank him for being here. It was really sweet for him to support this fundraiser." Beckett looked down at her hands as her voice grew quiet, almost overwhelmed.

"He's a good friend. He knows if I think it's important, then it's important."

She looked up, eyes sparkling, full of emotion, a truly breathtaking sight to behold. Tonight he was honored enough to see the softer side of his partner, one that she didn't often show to anyone, let alone him.

"Thanks for thinking I'm important- I mean that _this_ is important."

"Beckett, you _are_ important," he said, making no mistake with the words he chose. Yes, the foundation would be amazing at helping law students give victims a voice, but at the heart of this, it was all for Beckett.

"Castle, you know I can't-"

He was solely focused on her, that he hadn't even realized Paula had walked up behind them.

"Are you two going to give a quick speech before the presentation about the foundation is shown on the screen?" she asked, interrupting.

"Oh, I didn't even think about that," he said, turning to Beckett. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I should," Beckett said, clearing her throat and straightening her shoulders. "I don't have anything put together, but she would've wanted me to."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I want to do this for her." She gave him a small nod and smile as they turned to follow his publicist toward the podium. He noticed her look out into the crowd, searching, before she turned back and met his eyes."

"Everything okay?"

"Just thought he'd be back by now," she said, her shoulders slumping, as his dislike for the motorcycle riding doctor increased to an all time high. Maybe he would never have a chance to be with Beckett, but she still deserved to be with someone who focused more attention on her than Josh did.

If only she'd realize that he would, in a heartbeat, if she would ever give him a chance.

"I'm sure he's out there mingling." She gave him another polite smile, as she reached for his hand to squeeze before they stepped on the stage.

"Some things just aren't meant to be…" she whispered, releasing the contact and walking toward the bright stage lights. He stood back for a moment, his mind swirling with confusion over her words as his skin tingled from her abandoned touch.

She was a constant mystery he didn't think he could ever solve.

With a deep breath, he cleared his throat and walked up to the microphone. Silence washed over the room, peaceful like an early morning after the first snowfall of winter. All eyes focused on him, but he turned away for a second to look at his partner for reassurance. Her face split open with a heart-stopping grin as she motioned him to get on with the speech.

"Thank you all for coming tonight. I know I'm usually a man of many words, but tonight is about someone very special to this beautiful detective to my right. Detective Kate Beckett is one of New York City's finest and I'm lucky enough that she has let me follow her around for the last couple of years. To tell you all a little more about why we're here tonight, I'd like to introduce you to the extraordinary Kate Beckett."

Beckett walked up next to him and wrapped her arm around his neck, pulling him into a half hug. The fact that she was hugging him in front of a room full of people shocked him. It was like little by little, her guard was lowering around him, or maybe she had too much wine tonight. He couldn't be sure. Before she let him go, her head turned to whisper into his ear, warm breath washing against his skin. "Thank you, Castle, for everything."

He couldn't pull together his thoughts quick enough to form any sort of response, as he was left standing there with his mouth gaping open, while the lingering effects of her perfume danced across his skin. That woman was going to kill him without even trying.

"My mother, Johanna Beckett, devoted her entire career to those within the legal system that didn't have a voice," she started, adjusting the microphone to her height and turning back toward him, as she recited the words he had used when he had proposed the foundation to her. "She believed in justice and that truth would always conquer all. Her life may have been cut too short, but with all of your help and support of this scholarship foundation, her legacy will live on by inspiring a new generation of lawyers, to help fight for what is right and to stand up for the injustices around them-"

Her words were cut short in a flash. It all happened so fast, yet he felt like he was moving in slow motion unable to stop it…

A deafening bang rang throughout the room, as Beckett slumped down behind the podium. Castle looked out to the crowd of people, as mass chaos broke out among the guests, panic racing through his veins and pounding in his chest. He couldn't tell where the shot came from, but he noticed Esposito and Ryan trying to get a handle on the situation, yelling for everyone to get down.

"Beckett!" he called, crawling across the stage to where she was hiding. The moment he reached her body, his heart dropped.

Her eyes were closed, her body still, as his eyes zoned in on the blood pooling around her body.

She'd been hit.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading everyone! I'd love to hear from you! Keep in mind- as I've said a million times- I'm a believer in happy endings._

 _xoxo_

 _Team beta- you ladies are fab as usual._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Sorry for the delay and thanks for the lovely messages!_

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

 _Chaos_.

The beautiful dinner was a mere memory once the traitorous shot sliced through the innocence of the night. Terror and fear hung stagnant in the air, so thick it was hard to breathe. Glasses shattered and furniture crashed, as the sound of people running for cover rang out throughout the room.

He tried to think of another way to describe the world around him in that moment, but the only word that fit was sheer and utter _chaos_. Others could deal with the madness spiraling around him; he had a far more urgent issue to attend to.

Beckett was shot.

Everything else blurred around him. Time stopped. His vision tunneled onto his partner as all of the color drained from her cheeks. She had to be okay, she just had to. There was no way he could lose her, not now, not like this. Not before– not before they had their chance to be together.

"We need an ambulance! Beckett was hit!" he called out to anyone that could hear him, anyone that would listen.

The screams from all the frantic dinner guests filled the air as Castle cradled Beckett's limp body. His heart dropped down into his stomach as he looked down at the gold shimmery fabric that covered her skin, all bloody and shredded, completely saturated with bright red from the bullet wound. Logical thought faded away, he was working on instinct alone, as panic bombarded his consciousness, every action was moving toward a common goal - saving Kate.

He ripped his tuxedo jacket off and tried to apply pressure with the material, pushing against her shoulder, doing anything he could think of to stop the flow. All time was lost in those moments as he held her, stroking her hair back as his tears mixed with the seeping crimson.

Who the hell would shoot up a charity dinner?

"Kate, please. Just hold on. I can't lose you, Kate. Not now," he whispered, his lips dusting against her forehead as he spoke, desperate for her to hear him. "Please hold on for me."

From a distance, sirens blared and horns sounded. Relief washed over his mind, it was going to be okay. It had to be.

A quiet muffled groan broke his concentration as Beckett's eyes fluttered open for a moment; her breaths were shallow yet steady against his chest while he shielded her from any further threat. Maybe he wasn't a doctor or a cop, but right now, he was all she had to protect her and he wouldn't let her die.

Beckett _couldn't_ die.

The slight glimmer of her hazel eyes had his heart hammering heavy against his ribcage. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She was still conscious.

"Cas –" she croaked, before a coughing fit interrupted the words. There was blood drying in the once soft curls of her updo, matting the strands against her skin. The red winding pattern painted itself along her clavicle, marring her ivory complexion.

"Shh. Try not to talk. You've lost a lot of blood."

He palmed the sharp angle of her jaw line, running the pad of his thumb along the paper-thin area of her under eye. She was still soft, but cool to his touch.

She was running out of time.

* * *

Bright colors flashed behind her eyelids in violent succession, the swirl of images made her dizzy and confused. All she could smell was a metallic scent in the air; the oxygen was permeated with it and she gagged as it filled her airway. The muffled sounds of terrified voices rang against her eardrums, pounding against her skull in time with the thud of the blood pumping throughout her body.

In the short spans of time where she could hold her eyes open, she could only see Castle's face; if she had to die at least he would be with her until the end. It was oddly comforting.

"Beckett, they've got you. They'll take good care of you," he soothed. She blinked again and saw that he had been holding her hand. She hadn't felt it until now, with every nerve ending solely focused on the agony of being ripped apart by the seams by the shooter. Her world shook again and suddenly his words started to replay in her mind.

 _They've got you._

The paramedics were there and she was being loaded onto a gurney, as they applied a quick dressing to her skin and hooked her up to an IV.

"I'll find your dad and meet you at the hospital," he explained, squeezing her upper arm lightly.

 _Meet._

He couldn't leave her, she couldn't die alone.

"No," she rasped. "Stay."

"Miss, try not to talk," the younger man instructed, as he motioned Castle away. "Sir, you can follow us in your car." Castle gave her hand another gentle squeeze, before he was given another nudge. She thrashed her arm from the EMT, reaching for her partner and pulling on his sleeve.

"No!" She tried to make her voice sound forceful, but it was weak and hushed even in her own head. " _Please._ "

* * *

Beckett's gurney was loaded inside the ambulance and he crammed himself toward the back, close to her side. The two young paramedics worked to regulate Beckett's pulse as they looked up occasionally to glare at him. He wasn't a huge man by any means, but the tight quarters were not made for him to ride along. They would have to adapt, because he was there for her and that would never change.

Glancing down at her body, he stared at the attached tubes and cords, everything working to keep her alive. All of the blood loss had left her skin a faint gray color instead of the soft pink glow it had been as they walked up to the podium not long ago.

In a split second his world changed and nothing would ever be the same again. His mind was still reeling, his best friend was shot in front of him and he hadn't even realized it until it was too late. Hell, he didn't even have a clue if the person responsible had been caught or was still at large.

He couldn't leave Beckett's side. All he could manage to do was text Ryan and Esposito and have them bring her dad to the hospital. She wouldn't let him walk away for even a second so the EMT's finally gave up their argument against him riding along upon realizing how strong willed his detective was.

 _His_ detective?

She was his best friend, but she wasn't his – she was with _Josh_ , the hero doctor. It ended up that he wasn't even in the ballroom when she was shot; he had snuck out to the hospital to answer a page before they had even taken the stage to speak.

"Kate," he murmured. "The boys are driving your dad to the hospital. He'll be there as soon as we get there. And Josh –"

"Did he –?" She seemed to struggle to put together the words she wanted to use. He hated to see her like this – this fragile. Beckett tried to turn to look at him, but she cried out as her muscles pulled.

"Please Ms. Beckett, you can't move right now," the female paramedic said, placing a foam collar back on her neck as a precaution.

"Fine," she winced.

"Josh left before it happened," Castle said, answering her unspoken question. "I'll track him down and let him know when we get there." He wasn't Josh's biggest fan, but he still deserved to know that his girlfriend was injured. Absent or not, he still cared about Beckett to some extent.

"It's okay." Her voice was a strangled whisper, the tone broken and soft.

"It's okay?" he asked, his brow furrowed. How could Josh's absence be okay?

"You're here with me," she said. Her lips gently flitted up, forming a small smile.

"Of course, I am." He grinned, his eyes crinkling against his dried up tears as warmth spread throughout his limbs from her admission. Easing himself from his seat, he tried to move closer to her side.

"Always here for me…"

He crouched down next to gurney opposite from where the paramedics were taking her vitals and placed his hand on top of hers, dusting his fingertips against her dehydrated skin.

"Thanks for being here," she slurred, her eyes drooping from the effects of the medication.

"There's no place I'd rather be," he whispered.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks so much for reading! I would love to hear from you!_

 _xoxo_

 _To my lovely beta team- you guys have been wonderful friends and support this past week. I'm truly lucky._


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thanks for the lovely response to last chapter! Hope you enjoy this one._

 _P.S. - HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOU!_

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 ** _Chapter 5_**

Castle sank into the sticky vinyl of his hospital waiting room chair, not exactly the most comfortable way of sitting for hours, but he'd be damned if he was going anywhere any time soon. He had watched his best friend bleed out before his eyes and he wasn't leaving until he saw that she was alive. The surgeon had come out to get Jim about fifteen minutes ago, with a smile on his face - always a good sign - but for privacy reasons he would only speak to her father. Castle had understood, as much as it pained him.

Sighing, he pressed his fingertips gently onto his temples. He was starting to get a headache, the blinding florescent overhead lights weren't helping one bit. Added to the dull pain in his lower back caused by the misplaced spring in his chair; this place in no way gave off a 'let's keep the family comfortable' vibe. His eyes scanned for more unwelcome signs, when he noticed Jim Beckett walking from the corridor in his direction.

"How is she?" he asked, standing up to meet the older man halfway with his heart hammering in his chest. His nerves were shot at this point, and the coffee he had chugged only added to his jumpiness.

"Still unconscious," Jim said with a deep breath as he dug the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. "The doctors said that they were able to remove the entire bullet and she'll make a full recovery, so there's that…"

Kate's father held himself together better than he ever could, if Alexis had been in this situation…

The knowledge of what could've been was still etched deep in the lines of Jim's face, fear and exhaustion playing in every expression. No father should ever have to experience this and he couldn't help but feel like this was all his fault.

"Mr. Beckett, I'm so sorry."

He shook his head at the apology and walked with him back over to the world's most uncomfortable chairs.

"Jim, son, please call me Jim. Honestly Rick, you have nothing to apologize for. You planned this wonderful evening to honor my wife. You've been one of the best people in my daughter's life—" Kate's father admitted, his lips turning up into a smile.

"How do you – ?" he asked, the declaration making his heart dance against his ribcage. He hadn't ever had the chance to really talk to her father and this wasn't the way he would've liked to get to know him better.

"Katie talks about you all the time, Rick. I can just tell, she thinks very highly of you."

"Good to know. I've always been waiting on the day for her to shoot me for annoying her too much," he chuckled. They'd been great partners for awhile now, but that in no way meant that he hadn't driven her crazy on a daily basis. It was the one thing he excelled at.

"Well I'm not saying that's not still a very _real_ possibility," Jim said, joining in with a laugh, his eyes sparkling for a moment.

"Nice to see where Kate gets her sense of humor from."

Her father nodded, still smiling, before his expression turned serious again.

"I'm just trying to say, she cares about you. You stayed with her until help arrived and you did everything you could."

"I did. I just wish I could've done more," he sighed, wringing his hands with the frustration at his inability to save her. "Wish it hadn't happened in the first place."

"Well I agree, but you can't change the past. You have to live in the present," Jim said, meeting his sigh with an expression that spoke volumes, secrets hidden beneath the deep wrinkles near his eyes. "Took me awhile to learn that, but I'm doing better now."

The words were laced with regret at his troubled history, but there was no need to acknowledge it. Castle gave him an understanding nod, trying to ease the tension in his own mind.

"Glad to hear, Jim." He paused for a minute, trying to find a tactful way of asking the question that had been nagging at his subconscious, but he knew there was no need to deny it any longer. The question had been itching in his throat. "Do you know when I can see her?"

"She's sleeping now, maybe go home and get some rest?"

Castle looked up at the clock. It was already midnight. He couldn't believe that so much time had passed already, but there was no way in hell he was leaving.

"Thank you, but I think I'll stay. Are you?"

Jim shook his head and rubbed the stiff muscles in his neck. He couldn't deny that the idea of sleeping in these chairs was less than thrilling, but he wouldn't change his mind.

"No, I don't think so. She's stable and I know she's in good hands. I'll be back in the morning. I let the nurses know to come get you when she wakes up."

"If she wakes up before you're back, I'll let her know you'll be here soon."

"Thanks Rick, but I doubt she'll be too concerned where I am, not if you're there," Jim said with a quiet laugh as he gave him a quick pat on the shoulder and walked off toward the elevator.

He watched her father for a moment before he was out of sight, losing himself in his thought, trying to come to terms with everything that happened over the last couple of hours. It was a lot to wrap his mind around.

The upbeat tone from his phone pulled him out of his daydream. Glancing down at the screen, he saw it was the precinct and he couldn't answer the call fast enough.

"Hey, anything? Did you find the shooter?" he asked, the desperation in his tone increased from his extreme exhaustion.

"Shooter vanished," Ryan groaned. "Catering staff noticed a blonde woman rushing from the scene so that's the only lead we have at this point. Espo and I have gone over everything a million times, but I don't think there's anything more we can do tonight…"

"Shooter was a woman?"

That was unexpected to say the least.

"Nothing confirmed yet, but definitely looks like that could be the case," he explained.

His mind was reeling. All the scenarios and reasoning flashed through his consciousness, nothing made sense. "Why? Was she targeted or was it random?"

Ryan sighed and Castle felt bad for grilling his friend, but they couldn't drop the ball on this case. Beckett deserved answers; she wouldn't feel safe until she knew the shooter was behind bars. "Castle, we want answers just as badly as you do, but right now everything is just speculation. I'll let you know as soon as something concrete comes in. So how is she?"

"She's out of surgery and stable, but still sedated."

"But she's going to be okay?" he asked.

"She's going to be just fine." Saying the words out loud caused relief to wash over his body, warming his skin. "It's going to take more than a bullet hole to knock Beckett out."

"Let her know that we're thinking about her and we _will_ catch whoever did this to her."

"Thanks, Ryan."

* * *

Castle paced around the waiting room, completely on edge as the minutes ticked by into hours and the nurse still hadn't updated him. He couldn't sleep in those chairs, no matter how hard he tried, but sleep was the last thing on his mind. He couldn't relax until he could see her.

Beckett wasn't awake yet and each second that passed made him anxious. The stale, sterile air of the hospital was making his skin dry and the complimentary coffee cooling in the cardboard cup was bitter against his tongue.

Nothing was right.

It wouldn't be, until he could see Beckett and he knew that she was okay.

"You're still here?"

Josh's voice bounced around his ears until the words finally registered in his mind. How could he even ask him that? Where else would he be? Him of all people didn't have the right to make judgments on his behavior, not when this was the first Castle had seen of the doctor since Kate had been admitted. The hospital staff notified Josh that she had been brought in with a bullet wound and she was stable in surgery, but she had lost a lot of blood. Apparently that wasn't enough of a reason for Dr. Perfect to bring himself down from his cloud of virtue and heroism to check on his injured girlfriend.

One thing was for sure, Kate deserved a hell of a lot better than that.

"Where else would I be? She's my best friend…" he snapped, all civility lost at this late hour.

"Kate's my _girlfriend_ and I wasn't here - she obviously didn't need you to stand vigil in the waiting area all night," Josh mocked, running his hand through his hair.

Smug bastard.

"I wanted to be here when she woke up." He tried to hold back the venom in his tone, but Josh's attitude was making it difficult.

"Nice that you care now," Josh said, his tone biting. "I mean _really_ , a shooter at a charity event?"

The veins in Josh's neck started to budge as his voice grew more heated. He didn't need for him to make him feel bad about the situation because he already blamed himself. While he wasn't particularly fond of the doctor, he couldn't help but agree with the ridiculousness of the situation. The fact that she had been shot at the benefit was infuriating.

"Listen, Josh, I'm as stunned as you are…"

"Are you?" he asked, with his eyebrow arched, as a couple of nurses and doctors turned in their direction. "Did you get word that the woman you love was shot?"

Castle bit his tongue and clenched his fist. This wasn't the time and no good would come from fighting with Kate's boyfriend while she was healing from surgery. It was completely pointless, but it didn't stop his blood from boiling under his skin. Josh was upset, that much was obvious, but it wouldn't change anything.

Maybe if Josh was there when it happened – maybe if he was around for once – things might have been different.

"Josh, I'm not going to argue with you. Let's just wait for her to wake up," he said, consoling.

"Stay if you want, but I have rounds to make. I'll stop back down afterward."

"I'll be here when she wakes up. I don't want her to be alone."

"Once a puppy, always a puppy, huh?" he teased, under his breath, but loud enough that Castle heard every word. He wouldn't let himself feel bad for being a good friend to Beckett. At the end of the day, he knew she would do the same for him.

Partners.

"Don't you have lives to save Josh?" he muttered, shoulders slumping from the verbal sparring he hadn't had the energy for in the first place. "Why don't you let me worry about Kate…"

Josh huffed in his direction and stalked out of the seating area, almost pouting. Under normal circumstances, he could stomach the doctor's presence – today would not be one of those days. Emotions were escalated on both sides; he couldn't help but think that was the reason for Josh's extreme hostility toward him. Maybe or maybe that was just his true personality coming out. Hell, it was unbelievable how little he seemed to care about Kate lying in a hospital bed.

Well if Josh didn't care, it didn't change the fact that he sure as hell did.

* * *

"Mr. Castle?"

"Hmm?" he grunted, blinking his eyes open to find the warm smile of one of the surgical nurses. A sharp pain shot through his neck when he adjusted his body to turn toward the voice. He hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep.

"Mr. Castle, Ms. Beckett is awake and asking for you."

He sat straight up in his chair, the words like a jolt of caffeine directly into his veins.

"She's awake?" The night nurse nodded with a gentle curl to her lips, as he massaged the kink from his neck. "And she's okay? Like really okay?" he asked, the voice growing frantic with each word.

"Yes, Mr. Castle," the nurse said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "She'll make a full recovery. Now, if you'd like to follow me."

"Of course, thank you…" He nodded, using his hands to prop himself out of the torture device doubling as a chair.

"You can call me, Esther," she said, looking over her shoulder as they walked. Her tone was comforting, like honey soothing his panicked mind.

"Thanks, Esther."

* * *

The soft hum of machinery welcomed him as he walked through the threshold of her stark recovery room. A constant beep monitoring her heart rate was a relief – a reminder that she was still living, still breathing.

His eyes found her lying in the bed, wrapped under the thin starch blanket, plastic tubing taped onto each of her cheeks, running oxygen into her airway. As beat up as she looked, as frail as she looked, Kate Beckett bandaged and alive was the most beautiful sight in the world to him. A thought he never would've imagined in a million years.

"Cas – Castle?" she croaked, her voice scratchy and broken.

"Hey Beckett," he said, smiling. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, his feet frozen in place.

"You're staring. I must look awful."

"No, no, of course not." He shook his head, snapping out of his trance and walking to the seat next to her bed. "I just – I didn't think I'd see you again."

"Sorry for scaring you…"

Her words made his heart drop. Always the martyr, but he wouldn't hear any of that right now. Not after everything she had gone through today.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Kate," he whispered, looking down at his hands. "I should apologize to you, if I had better security –"

"It's not your fault." She tried to shake her head, but winced from the movement. "You probably saved my life."

"I didn't really do much." He didn't deserve any praise for what he did. If only he could have stopped the bullet from hitting her, he would've gladly stepped in front of it to spare her.

"You were with me, though. The entire time, right?" she asked, a small smile playing on her dry, cracked lips and he nodded.

"I was. You wouldn't let me leave." He answered her smile with one of his own, a soft chuckle falling from his tongue.

"Yeah – listen, Castle, I'm sorry."

"Beckett, you have to stop apologizing," he sighed, reaching forward to squeeze her forearm.

"I just – I need you," she whispered, voice cracking.

The words seemed foreign; this wasn't the Beckett he knew. This soft spoken woman that was lying before him, she was not the hardened detective he followed day in and day out. Detective Beckett was independent and acted like she didn't need anyone. However, this Kate Beckett, this version was exposed and vulnerable, her usual tough exterior missing.

"Kate, I –"

With a soft knock at the door, Esther walked into the room, apology shining in her eyes.

"Sorry to interrupt, but Ms. Beckett, it's time for your pain medicine."

"I can leave," he said, jumping from his seat, but Kate's nurse shook her head.

"No, you don't have to," she explained, walking over to one of the multiple machines that Beckett was attached to. "I just have to press the button to administer the dose. There you go; you'll feel a little drowsy soon, so Mr. Castle when she gets tired please let her get some rest."

He gave a quick nod, but his eyes were back on his partner, all else falling away.

"Of course."

Nurse Esther took a quick check of the rest of her vitals and patted her hand nearest her that was free from all the IVs, before giving them both a small smile on her way out the door.

"She's very sweet," Kate mused.

"She is. They better be paying her enough."

The words were quiet as he continued to stare at his partner. He couldn't get over the fact that she was here and alive. Panic was still flowing through his veins and playing in every corner of his mind, like if he took his eyes off of her for a second, none of this would be real.

"Castle…"

"Just saying, you deserve the best care money can buy. I want to help in any way I can."

"That's sweet, but unnecessary," she said, with a short sigh. If the situation were different, maybe that could've been considered a laugh, but not today. "I have good insurance and a nice cushion in my savings."

"Okay, Ms. Independent, but if something comes up – let me help. Remember, you need me," he repeated her words with a gentle curl on his lips.

"Don't make me regret saying that." She pulled her bottom lip through her teeth, trying to hold back the smile from his teasing.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked, grinning as his eyebrows danced in her direction. The joking eased his mind as he heard what was definitely a laugh slip from her mouth; even like this, even here, they could still be them. "That's the best thing you've ever said to me."

The moment was cut short as a loud yawn stretched her mouth wide and her eyes began to droop. Her lashes fluttered trying to keep herself awake; the effects of the medication were too much. He would love to sit with her forever, but she needed to get to sleep. The more her body rested, the sooner she'd be home and healed and back to verbally abusing him on a daily basis – the sooner it would all be back to normal.

His smile continued to play on his lips as he watched her try to suppress her yawns. She was stubborn as ever, maybe even more so now that she wasn't in control of everything.

He lifted out of his chair, surprising her with the action as her eyes expressed her dislike for the movement.

"You're leaving?" she asked, her voice deflating.

"You need rest. I'll be back in the morning, if you want me to."

"I do. Maybe sneak me some coffee…" Her question trailed off at the end as her eyes fell shut.

"I'll see what I can do," he whispered and reached for her hand, tracing his fingertips against the faint bruising from the events of the day. Hard to believe this morning when he got up, his only worry was what shoes he would wear with his tuxedo. The last twelve hours were a lot to process.

He glanced back at Kate's face, relaxed as the effects of the morphine started to pull her under. Her cheeks were a warm pink color again, not the soft glow they normally held, but it was an improvement from the shallow gray color of earlier. A quiet sigh slipped from her lips and her breathing slowed down. It was definitely time for him to leave.

"Until tomorrow, Beckett," he said, brushing the hair from her face. He pulled back, turning toward the door when he heard her stir as her eyes remained closed.

"Castle –" she said, sleep slurring each syllable. "I love you."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear from you!_

 _xoxo_

 _Beta Squad- amazing as ever..._

 _Until next time!_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thanks for being you._

 _All mistakes are my own._

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 ** _Chapter 6_**

"Careful."

"I _am_ being careful," Kate scoffed, walking through the door into her apartment. Looking around the place, she noticed that everything was exactly how she had left it that night she had left with Castle. A flood of memories raced through her mind, overwhelming her thoughts.

The night she hadn't expected to end with getting shot.

She turned back to see the spark of hurt flash across her boyfriend's face, before he covered it up by shaking his head. There was no reason for her to snap at him for trying to help, but she hated when people treated her with kid gloves. One of the main reasons she was so glad to be discharged from the hospital. She finally had some room to breathe.

"I'm sorry," Josh mumbled, setting her duffle bag on the rug next to her front door.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have snapped, but I don't need you to remind me to be careful. I'm the one that just had the bullet taken out of my shoulder, remember?" She offered him a small curl of the lips as she shuffled toward the couch, sinking into the cushions. All she wanted to do was relax and have a cheesy romantic comedy movie marathon. Turning back toward the doorway she realized Josh hadn't moved to join her, not a great sign.

"I'm just trying to take care of you." He met her eyes as he spoke, the most open he had been with her in ages. They don't have this type of relationship; they merely skimmed the surface, never anything deep.

"I know, but I'm fine. I _promise_ ," she insisted, trying to avoid wincing when she adjusted herself on her seat.

"Because you wish it was someone else taking care of you instead of me," he said, with a slight sigh as he walked toward her, shoulders slumped and honesty etched in his expression. For a second she was confused by the turn of the conversation, but then her eyes fell upon the single red rose that she had forgotten on her kitchen counter. The perfect flower, since wilted, that Castle had given her.

The one that her boyfriend was now staring at…

"Josh."

"Kate, are we in this?" he asked, his voice low, turning back to meet her eyes. "I mean, I care about you and I think you care about me – but is it enough?"

She felt bad for him, the sadness painted across his features, but this had been the inevitable for awhile now. Today was just shitty timing.

"I _do_ care about you." If they were going to start this conversation, she wouldn't turn back, she couldn't. There was no point in keeping one foot in with him, when she wanted to be someplace else entirely.

"I know," Josh said, clearing his throat with slight smile.

"But it's not enough. Can you honestly say that we have the type of relationship that comes first above all else? Because I can't look back at a time where we put us before our careers –"

She felt dizzy as the words flowed from her like a faucet that couldn't turn off. He opened his mouth with what she could only assume was an explanation on the tip of his tongue, but she lifted her hand. "Josh, I'm guilty of it too. You're a great guy and we had fun with what this was – but it's not what I need anymore."

He took a deep breath and shrugged. There was no argument to be had, they were always a dead end; a relationship based on mutual avoidance would never amount to anything.

"You're right. I hate that, but you are," he chuckled, dark and low. "It dawned on me when I watched your writer sitting in those uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room for hours while you were unconscious. Even after I picked a fight with him for no reason aside from my bruised ego, he stood his ground and never left. I took my irritation in the situation out on him, but seeing him the way he was, I knew he'd always put you first and I –"

"Wouldn't."

She finished his words. The statement hadn't stung like it should, the knowledge that her boyfriend didn't have the dedication that her partner had - she should feel something - but it only made her heart full with gratitude for the man Castle was.

"Medicine will always be my passion."

"I understand and admire that," she said, with a nod, resting her head against the back of the couch as her eyes slipped shut. "It's what drew me to you in the first place. We had that common passion for our fields, but I want more, now."

"And not from me."

Her eyes flashed open, meeting his, and she shook her head at the statement, biting her bottom lip to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He was a good man, just not the right man for her.

"You're a great guy, Josh, but it would be wrong to try to force something when deep down, we both know it's not meant to be."

Josh stood there for a moment, staring between his hands and then looking back at the flower lying on the counter like the world's smallest elephant in the room. Glancing back to her, he nodded.

"You're an incredible woman, Kate. I hope he knows how lucky he is."

"Josh, it's not because of – "

She wanted to shake her head and tell him that it wasn't because of Castle, but he saved her from the lie.

"Maybe not, but it's obvious he already has your heart."

He wasn't wrong.

* * *

Well that was the cleanest Castle had ever seen his kitchen, he looked around, admiring his work.

He had ways of avoiding his feelings, and while typically he would've turned to writing - today his words wouldn't cooperate. After, staring at the keyboard for hours, he decided to stress clean. There could be worse things.

"So Katherine is being released today?"

He turned to find Martha floating down the stairs, obviously on her way to something and by the looks of her clothing choice; she could be ready for anything from grocery shopping to an evening with the president. It was really anyone's guess.

"She is."

"And what are you doing sitting here moping around?" she asked, arching her eyebrows at his sponge and yellow rubber gloves. Okay, he looked a bit ridiculous and now under her judging eye, he _felt_ a bit ridiculous.

"I am _not_ moping," he scoffed, ripping the gloves from his hands and tossing them in the trash.

"Could've fooled me. Seriously, that girl tells you she loves you –"

"In a drug induced haze…" he added with a self deprecating chuckle as he walked over to grab a bottle of beer from his fridge.

"Darling," she said, letting out an exaggerated sigh, how she hadn't ever won a Tony Award the world would never know. "Drug induced or not, she still said it. Have you even talked to her about it?"

"Haven't had much of an opportunity."

Which was a lie, but she didn't need to know that. He had been alone with her several times before she was discharged, but there had never seemed to be the right time to ask. There wasn't a playbook in asking someone if they remember telling a person they loved them and if they actually meant it. That was the plot of way too many romantic comedies and he'd prefer to not live in one.

"Richard, you've never been one to stand back on the sidelines when it comes to love."

"This is different," he explained, propping himself onto the bar stool, chugging another sip of the ice cold alcohol.

"Don't let it be." She placed a hand on his forearm with a loving squeeze and in turn, he placed his hand on top of hers. For all her faults, she was a wonderful mother.

"Maybe I'll call her."

"Or you could stop over and see how she's doing?"

"She doesn't need me hounding her, especially if Josh is there. Calling is a better idea," he decided, the idea making him unusually nervous. At the end of the day, love or not, Beckett was still his best friend.

"I swear. You two are going to send me to an early grave." He couldn't help but roll his eyes at her dramatics.

"Don't you have someplace to be, Mother?" Castle asked. He knew if she wouldn't leave soon, this game of unsolicited advice would grow tiring.

"I do. Please make sure to tell Katherine, I say hi and that I wish her well," she said with her voice ringing as she wiggled her fingers in his direction. "Tata."

* * *

She could do this.

She didn't need anyone to take care of her right now. Maybe she hadn't planned on breaking up with Josh the second she got home, but that didn't mean she couldn't manage recovering on her own.

Right?

Making dinner should be the easy part.

She took a deep breath, wincing at the sharp pain that spliced through her shoulder blade as she turned the wrong way and pulled at her stitches. All she wanted to do was boil some noodles, nothing fancy. Just enough to have something in her stomach so her pain pills wouldn't tear apart the lining of her stomach. She hadn't thought this through, however. After filling the pot with water, she realized she couldn't lift it with only one arm.

There had to be another way.

Balancing the pot against the sink, Kate cautiously used her good arm to bear the brunt of the weight and she positioned her hand from her injured side only in a support capacity. It didn't matter; even the slightest movement caused every nerve ending to set on fire. The intensity of the pain, forced her to drop the water back into the sink; the crash sent the excess over the edge, drenching both her clothing and the hardwood flooring.

"Fuck," she shouted, the word echoing in the emptiness of her apartment. She bit her bottom lip, trying to hold back her tears, but the pain was too intense. The dam broke and a sob ripped from her throat, leaving her body crumpled on the ground, leaning her head against one of her cabinets.

As she wiped the trail of tears from her cheeks, she heard her phone buzzing from across the room.

Dammit.

Taking a deep breath, Kate pushed herself up, gasping through the licks of agony that raced across her stitches. Finally reaching her phone, she looked down at the caller ID and a smile formed through her tears.

"Hey, Castle."

"Hey. Are you okay?" he asked, concern already coloring his words. Apparently she needed to work on her acting skills if he could already tell from just a simple greeting that something wasn't right.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"I can tell when you're lying."

"You're right. Getting shot sucks," she admitted, laughing at the honesty and insanity of the statement. The movement pulled on her stitches, bringing fresh tears to blur her vision.

"So I've heard," he chuckled, almost like he was nervous. Why the hell would he be nervous talking to her? They spend pretty much every waking moment talking to each other.

"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it."

"Noted. So - is Josh taking good care of you?" Castle asked.

There it was. Finally, something that explained the absurdity of his behavior. He was afraid he was interrupting her time with Josh.

"He's not here."

"Beckett, I thought – I thought he was taking you home," he stammered, as her heart started to race in her chest. This was the last thing she wanted to talk about tonight, but he would find out eventually. What was the point in hiding it?

"He was, but he left."

"What –"

"Castle, we broke up," she mumbled, swallowing back the lump that rose in her throat. It was all for the best. She wanted Castle to realize that, but confessing anything more to him, now, it felt wrong. Castle meant so much more to her and saying something over the phone, would make her feelings for him seem reactionary.

"Kate, I'm sorry."

"I'm not." She shook her head, as if he could sense what she was doing, who knows, maybe he could. "It's fine. It was a long time coming."

"Maybe, but you shouldn't be alone right now."

"It's okay. I'm a big girl," she said, tacking on a soft giggle to punctuate her statement. He sighed, obviously not believing her act.

"Have you eaten?"

"I will," she winced, looking back at the mess in her kitchen.

"Let me help."

"I'm fine, Castle. I'll talk to you later, okay?" she whispered, ending the call before he could reply. She had already burdened everyone so much over the last couple of days. He deserved a break from it all.

* * *

The credits for the first episode in her Nebula 9 marathon scrolled across her television screen, when she heard a knock at her door. She hadn't been expecting anyone; it was nearly eight o'clock at night. Glancing down at her sweat pants attire with a sigh, she wouldn't be winning at fashion awards today, that's for sure, but she was more concerned with comfort at this point than anything. Whoever it was, they'd have to deal with it.

Shuffling to the door, she looked through the peephole and gnawed on her lip, holding back a grin from the visitor. With a turn of the handle, Kate opened the door to the young delivery boy standing in the hallway.

"Ms. Beckett?"

"That's me."

"From Mr. Castle," the man said, handing over the plastic bags. Warmth spread throughout her body, down to her fingertips and up to color her cheeks. She should've known better. His thoughtfulness always went above and beyond.

"Thanks. Let me grab my wallet."

"It's already taken care of. Have a good night." He offered her a courteous smile and a quick nod before he turned back toward the elevator.

She closed the door, laughing and shaking her head at her partner – her friend and his ability to always know what she needed. The delivery was from her favorite Chinese restaurant, a sampling of her favorite menu items. At the bottom of the bag was a small Styrofoam container filled with ice packs around a pint of her go-to brand of mocha chocolate ice cream.

He thought of everything.

As if on cue, her cell phone rang and his picture popped up on the screen.

"Castle," she answered, as a grin stretched her mouth wide.

"You'd be surprised what you can get delivered in New York City with the right connections."

"This is amazing, Castle, _really_ …" She paused, holding back her giggle, as she decided her next words carefully. "But what I could really use is my partner," she whispered.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you all so much for reading! I wish I had time to thank each and everyone of you personally, but just know that I appreciate every word you send me. The support is overwhelming._

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to my fab quail squad. You guys have kept me sane._


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: You guys are awesome_

 ** _._**

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 _ **Chapter 7**_

"That was fast," she mused, opening the front door.

Castle was standing there with a huge grin stretched across his face. His five o'clock shadow added the perfect amount of stubble along his jaw line. It made him look particularly ruggedly handsome with the addition of his navy and white plaid shirt and dark wash jeans. She found herself staring for only a moment, but it was long enough that he caught her in the act. That certainly wouldn't do anything to help his already inflated ego. He gave her another dazzling smile as she felt a blush warm her skin. She had to get a grip on herself.

"Well, when a beautiful detective asks me to, I come as fast as I can…" he said, walking inside. The words must have caught up to him when he turned back to her with eyes wide as she choked back a laugh.

" _Castle_."

"That wasn't – you know – that wasn't what I meant," he stammered as a shade of pink colored his cheeks.

"Good to know," she said with a wink, passing him to get comfortable on the couch.

"You, um –"

"Relax, Castle. I'm just messing with you, but it's fun to see you so flustered." She laughed as he stood frozen in place. It was unusual for him to be like this, his typical cocky confidence was lost within the walls of her apartment.

"I am _not_ flustered."

"Sure. You look _completely_ composed," she teased, raising her eyebrow and chewing down on her lip. "Are you going to stand over there all night? Didn't mean for you to come over to stand watch by my door all night – "

"Funny," Castle said, shaking his head and he moved to join her on the couch. His cologne filled the air as he passed by, the familiar scent calming her in a way that she couldn't explain. "So, was your dinner good?"

"It was perfect. How did you get Hung's to deliver all of that?" She moved to prop her feet onto his lap and his jaw dropped from her overly familiar gesture.

"Don't worry about it," he said, giving her ankle a slight squeeze. "All that matters is that you had a nice dinner."

"You could've avoided all the trouble and just delivered it yourself, you know?"

"I didn't want to overstep," he mumbled, looking down at his hands resting on her feet, before he looked up with a shrug. "Figured you would've wanted to be alone."

"When has that ever stopped you, really?" she scoffed as she rolled her eyes with a giggle. He always pried every step of the way in their partnership and eventual friendship, yet when she needed him to push further; he was taking a step back. Maybe she needed to be the one to push now. She nudged his hand with her sock covered foot and smiled.

"Good point. I don't know what I was thinking," he chuckled. "So what are we watching?"

"Nebula 9." Kate sat up straight, the anticipation she felt about watching her favorite show with him coursed through her veins and she swung her legs back to sit on her haunches, looking like she was about to pounce on Castle from excitement.

"Seriously?" he asked, laughing as her heart dropped from his reaction. "I mean if you're going to watch sci-fi at least watch the good stuff, like Star Wars or that Joss Whedon show."

"I'll have you know, Nebula 9 is _awesome_." The need to defend her childhood obsession rose in her chest as her eyes narrowed at her partner and he offered her a smug curl of his lips. A move that made her want to wipe that look right off of his face.

If only he wasn't so damn attractive when he did that – bastard. Kate huffed as she felt her cheeks flush. She needed to get control of herself, she never was this affected by him, it had to be the pain medication.

"I'll take your word for it."

"Maybe I don't need your company anymore," she pouted, turning away from him to face the TV.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm being an awful friend, criticizing your _interesting_ –" She glared at him. "Amazing choice of television shows."

"That's better. Now why don't you make yourself useful and make some popcorn to make up for insulting it," she said, tossing a throw pillow at him.

"So demanding," he muttered.

"You like it," she called as he walked into the kitchen.

Maybe loved it?

She hoped so.

* * *

Beckett was flirting, at least it felt like she was flirting with him, but he didn't want to ask. Could he ask? Hell what would he even say? People don't just ask each other if they're flirting – he'd been around the block long enough that he should be able to tell if someone was flirting with him, but this was Beckett.

All bets were off.

He watched her from the corner of his eye as a small smile formed on her lips, losing herself in a particularly lame moment of the show. Glancing at the screen, he tried to hold back a wince at how cheesy this show was. Why was he subjecting himself to something like this?

Right...

He loved this extraordinarily, maddening woman and he would do anything she'd ask him to, including watching particularly bad science fiction.

Dumb, love sick fool.

"You're staring, Castle," she mumbled, not taking her eyes from the screen.

"No."

"Yes," she argued. "I can feel you burning a hole into my skin…" She finally turned to face him with a knowing smile on her face, raising her eyebrow at him.

"Fine," he said, raising his hands in defeat. There wasn't any point of arguing with her. She could take down hardened criminals, he didn't have a chance. "You're more interesting to watch than the show."

"Castle," she warned, trying to shoot him a dirty look but her playful smirk gave her true feelings away. He loved this side of her, the part of his partner that was typically hidden from the world and he was lucky enough to get small glimpses of, the side he was fortunate to get to know.

The fun loving vulnerable part of Beckett that made him fall in love with her in the first place.

It was cute how defensive she was about Nebula 9; he had never seen her get so worked up over something like this before. Castle stored that information away for a later date, another piece to the Beckett onion, another part of the mystery that was Kate Beckett.

"Sorry, that's the last dig on your show. I promise."

"Better be or I'll send you packing," she said, tossing a kernel of popcorn at his head before reaching for a bigger handful to throw. He chuckled, watching her eyebrows dance, almost daring him to continue as she waved her ammunition in his direction.

"You wouldn't," he cautioned as she giggled, not backing down from the challenge. Castle hovered over her to pull the bowl away, removing the temptation for a full on food fight in her living room, but the heat from her body radiating below him left a temptation of an entirely different variety.

"Try me," she teased, poking his chest with her pointer finger before biting back a wince. Shit. His heart sank as he watched the flash of pain in her eyes. He was supposed to be taking care of her, not hurting her further.

"Hey, are you ok?" Castle asked, shifting to sit beside her, trying his best not to jostle her anymore.

"Yeah, the stitches just pulled a bit," she said, shaking her head before she popped a couple kernels into her mouth instead of at him.

"Maybe hold back on beating me up for another day then. Truce?" he suggested, holding out his hand. She placed her palm against his. The skin to skin contact was like a spark of electricity, setting every nerve ending in his body on fire.

All from a hand shake?

God, what would ever happen if she was allowed to touch more...

"I'll resist my urge to poke you for another day," Beckett agreed, her eyes shining with a light he hadn't ever seen before.

"Poke away as soon you're feeling up to it," he said, lowering his voice. It was like playing with fire; he knew he'd get burned but he couldn't resist the pull.

"Oh believe me, I will." Her voice was nearly a growl, as she leaned closer toward him, her eyes bouncing from his eyes to his mouth. It was almost like she was going to – no, this couldn't be, he shook his head, bursting the hypnotic bubble they found themselves in.

"How much pain medication are you on?" he asked, arching his eyebrow down at her.

"Um. Shut up and watch the show, Castle," she said, a giggle streaming from her lips. She leaned her head back on the couch, looking at him instead of the screen, tugging the soft pink of her bottom lip between her teeth.

All conscious thought wiped from his mind, the only thing left was obvious fact of how gorgeous she was in that moment. If it wasn't for the gauze peeking through the collar of the loose fit of her t-shirt, he would've swore she hadn't just been released from the hospital.

She seemed happy.

Seeing her like this, he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and tell her how much he loved her; how much he wanted to be with her as more than just a partner, but he couldn't. She just broke up with Josh and he refused to take advantage of that situation. He'd settle for being the best friend for the time being and really that wasn't such a bad position to be in.

* * *

A soft snore slipped from his lips as she reached for the remote to turn off the TV. He looked so peaceful, younger with his face lax with sleep and she hated the idea of waking him up. It was already past midnight; maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to just let him stay asleep on her couch.

Safer than facing the city at this late hour and she wouldn't be doing her job at a cop if she let an unarmed citizen out into the streets at night. She bit down on her lip as she reached forward to brush the few loose strands of hair from his face. How had she taken so long to realize how she felt about him? She was wasting so much time as they danced around the issue of their feelings.

If her shooting taught her anything, life was too short to wait around for what could be. She wouldn't live her life looking back and wondering, _if only_ – not anymore.

Without further hesitation, she scooted closer to press herself against the length of his body, cuddling into him and wrapping her uninjured arm around his waist. Leaning her head against his chest, she sighed, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne. It was like a drug.

"I love you, Castle," she whispered, nuzzling into the fabric of his shirt as her eyes began to droop with the weight of her exhaustion from the day. Her chest warmed, full from the feeling of being with him tonight. He was probably asleep and never heard her confession, but she'd tell him soon. She was done hiding.

"Love you, too," he murmured into her hair, acknowledging her words and causing her heart to soar.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you so much for reading everyone! I would love to hear from you. I love each and every one of comments. You guys make me smile so much._

 _Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy holiday._

 _xoxo_

 _Love to my girls for all their help and friendship._


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Thanks for being amazing. Yes, you._

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 _ **Chapter 8**_

Warm.

That was her only thought as the first sparks of consciousness woke her from her sleep hazed mind. Kate turned toward the warmth, nuzzling her cheek against the soft fabric and warm body of –

Warm body?

Her eyes flashed open as memories of last night flooded through each synapses of her brain. Taking a deep breath and trying to calm her nerves, she found herself wrapped in the comforting scent of what remained of his cologne mixed with the clean fragrance of his laundry detergent.

This was perfect.

She couldn't understand what she had been so afraid of. Lying here cuddled against Castle, it just felt right, inevitable; she could stay like this all morning.

"You're thinking too loudly," he mumbled into her hair as she felt him stir from beneath her. The slight movement nudged her enough to pull on her stitches and not so subtly remind her that she was due for her dose of her pain medication.

"Sorry. I was just about to get up to take my medicine," Kate murmured into his shirt, sighing from the knowledge that she had to leave the haven of his arms. She rolled her eyes at her reluctance, there was no way she was this attached to cuddling with Castle after one night; she was _not_ that girl.

"Stay," he said, brushing a kiss to her forehead, searing her skin from the touch. "I'll get it for you. If I'm here, I should be helping." She couldn't form any sort of response as she felt him ease his body off of the couch. Her mind was racing as her face flushed from the feeling of his lips on her skin. True, it was just her forehead and not a real kiss, but this wasn't something that they did.

At least it _wasn't_ something they used to do, but now, in the morning had everything changed? She couldn't deny that her heart fluttered from the press of his mouth against her.

Her mind continued to wander, the idea of Castle kissing more than her forehead played through her thoughts like a movie, a daydream that she lost herself in before she noticed he was back standing in front of her with her medicine and a smirk on his face.

"Care to share with the class?"

She bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head as her embarrassment turned into a grin, accepting the pills and glass of water. "Thanks. Shouldn't you be getting home to Alexis?"

"Nah. She stayed at Paige's last night. Doubt she even knew I was gone and Mother had another dinner to attend with some theater friends. She probably hasn't even attempted her walk of shame yet…" he said, cringing with his final statement and she giggled at the theatrics.

"Castle," she scolded before turning toward him with a smirk, as he slid onto the cushion next to her. "Really? Are you one to talk today?" She scooted closer to his side and played with the buttons of his well worn shirt between her fingertips, laughing at the irony of the situation.

"Difference is this was completely innocent."

"True. _Innocent_ …"

"Beckett?" he asked, looking down as she rested her head on his shoulder. The draw to be near him was magnetic now that the dam had broken. There was no way she could stop. She wanted to dive into it with him; she only hoped his late night confession wasn't his subconscious speaking for him.

"We need to talk, Castle," she hummed, turning her head to meet his eyes. Swallowing down any hesitation, she had to just go for it. "What I said last night – "

She felt his breath still; maybe this was a bad idea. God, she was an idiot.

"And what I said…" he whispered, as his breath warmed her cheek.

So he remembered? The small knowledge left her heart hammering against her chest as her lips curled, unable to contain the smile that demanded to stretch across her face.

"You weren't sleep talking?"

"No. Kate, you have to know by now that I lo – "

His words were cut short by the blaring ring coming from her cell phone and her eyes flashed up to see his shoulders slump from the interruption.

"Castle…"

"No, it's okay. Look, it's the Twelfth," he said, handing her the phone with what appeared to be a forced smile. Of all times, why couldn't the call wait fifteen minutes because now their bubble of honesty seemed to be thoroughly popped. The moment was gone. With a sigh, she swiped her finger against the screen.

"Beckett," she said, her tone laced with her irritation from the interruption.

Esposito's words were hurried, leaving her stomach in knots as she felt all the heat drain from her cheeks. There was no hiding the intent behind his call and when he muttered the words she both hoped for and dreaded at the same time, she could barely hear anything else that her friend had to say.

Kate dropped her phone, the weight of his words transferring physical weight to the cell. Her eyes flashed up to Castle as he pressed his palm against her cheek, his thumb rubbing a hypnotic circle along the worry lines on her skin. The touch only provided a small comfort.

"Kate?" he whispered the question, tentative, like he was afraid of how to proceed.

"They caught her…" The statement was foreign to her ears, like the voice was coming from someone else. Every conscious thought in the hospital had been the sole desire to figure out who was responsible for this, but now that they had. The reality of the situation terrified her in a way that didn't make sense throughout all her years of training with the Twelfth.

"Who?"

"My shooter. They caught her, Castle and she'll only talk to – _you_."

* * *

The ride to the precinct had been quiet; a nervous energy between them and not the happy, loving kind. Their moment had been stolen from them, another thing ruined by the shooting. He wanted to make it better for her, ease the pain that she felt.

Last night seemed to begin the healing process, it was nearly perfect and then this morning, waking up with her in his arms.

But now…

"I still don't understand, why did she ask for me?"

"She said that you're the only person that would understand her," she mumbled, looking down at her hands as they stepped off of the elevator together.

This wasn't how their morning was supposed to go. After their confessions last night, he had thought this morning would've been spent discussing their future and maybe a kiss.

God, he wished he could've kissed her.

It seemed to be a massive conspiracy against them; all the phones seemed to know the exact moment to ring to interrupt anything meaningful between them. Castle sighed and reached for her arm, stopping her beeline into the interrogation room. None of this was making any sense and he needed answers.

"Beckett, why would I ever understand someone trying to shoot you?"

"I don't know, Castle," she said, shrugging. Her expression was protected, but such a stark contrast to her earlier happiness. The vast difference made his heart drop. "That's her request, so we're going to go in there and talk to her."

She turned back to find Captain Montgomery standing in front of them. His arms were folded across his chest as his lips formed a thin line, all the while his eyes bled with apology.

"Hold up, Beckett, there's no way I'm letting you go in there," Montgomery said, blocking the interrogation room.

"But Sir, the suspect requested Castle and I –" she scoffed. He could tell she was trying to remain as respectful as possible, but her mask of indifference fell and was replaced with her typical drive for answers. She wanted to get the story as much as he did.

"Exactly, she requested Castle. You can watch from observation and Detective Ryan can assist him."

His posture was stern, unmoving and Castle could tell that she was losing this battle, but that didn't stop her from trying. This was Kate Beckett, she didn't back down. He had told her before this was part of what made her extraordinary and he still stood by those words today. She was standing here, battered and bruised, but with the will to go in there and fight with everything she had left in her.

Glancing down, he couldn't help but notice how much smaller she looked without her heels, almost fragile with her bandages peeking from the collar of her sweater. He wanted to protect her, fix this for her and if the suspect wanted to speak to him, he wouldn't mess this up.

"Sir, this is _my_ case," she growled. "I deserve to see this through."

"Beckett, it's not your case," Roy said, shaking his head, unwavering in his conviction. "You were the victim, there's no way I'm letting you get involved with this."

"This isn't fair. I need to be in there with Castle," she pleaded, and his heart shattered, her voice sounded so broken, so desperate. He wanted to take the pain away; he couldn't let her down.

"Observation, Detective, or you can wait in the break room, but I'm not letting you compromise this investigation. You're too close to this," he barked.

"Sir?" Her voice was drained, nearly a whisper.

"Discussion's over, Detective," he stated, giving her one more firm nod before he walked off toward his office.

"Kate, I don't – I didn't ask for this…" Castle hesitated, his voice low, trying his best to not hurt her more than she already was. It just seemed like everything had started collapse for her because of the charity auction. He couldn't help but feel like he was responsible for everything that had spiraled out of control in her life since then.

"I know, Castle, but it's not your fault. None of this is," she said, reminding him.

For once, words didn't help.

It couldn't stop the guilt from coursing through his veins, the sinking feeling that had taken root in his stomach since she had been shot, and had only intensified as soon as she told him the shooter requested him.

"If I could change any of this, I would in a heartbeat."

Beckett offered him a small smile, the first he could remember seeing since they had pulled up to the precinct.

"Go find out why. Figure out the story for us," she hummed with a squeeze of his hand, she turned to leave him to the interrogation.

* * *

The petite blonde sat across from Ryan, her hands in cuffs and her head bowed, until she heard the door open. Her face lit up as she noticed him walk into the room.

"Oh my God! It's you. It's really you!" she shrieked, nearly lurching toward him, before the cuffs stopped her from moving any further.

"Hey Castle," Ryan said, tight lipped, but his expression telling of his discomfort for the situation.

Ryan seemed just as confused as everyone else. Why on earth would this woman that didn't have a history with any of them, go after Beckett?

With a slight nod, Castle took the chair next to his friend, opposite of the unusually perky suspect. Ryan opened the file and slid it over to him. So this was the shooter. Nothing like he would have pictured, but that just proved that appearances were deceiving. "Ms. Lacey Mack, no priors and only recently became a registered gun owner," he explained.

"Richard Castle. I can't believe you're really here," she gushed, the falsetto of her voice left a chill racing down his spine. Her eyes were bright and wide as her grin stretched across her rose colored cheeks. It was haunting. She looked more model than killer. He needed the story here; he needed to find the logic in all of this.

"Ms. Mack, they said you wanted to speak to me, that you'd only talk to me," he said, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, but his anger was barely below the surface. Sitting this close to the person responsible for hurting Kate, his blood boiled as she appeared to have absolutely no remorse.

"Well yes, I said it, but I didn't think they'd _actually_ get you. And it's nice to see you here, alone. Without that _woman_ following you around…" she rambled, her tone bubbly and upbeat with each word except for the venom laced around the word woman.

It was bad enough that she was sitting her happy and unapologetic, but he wouldn't deal with her having the audacity of insulting Beckett further.

"Excuse me?" he snapped.

"That detective groupie of yours," she scoffed.

His fist clenched underneath the table, his patience was wearing thin with each word she uttered. He needed to get a handle of his anger or he wouldn't get anywhere with this interrogation.

"Groupie?" Ryan barked out a laugh, as Castle cringed at the word. He could only imagine that Beckett's blood was boiling from behind the two-way mirror.

"Actually, I follow Detective Beckett around for research for my Nikki Heat series, but really that's not relevant. The question that we have for you is why did you show up to a charity benefit and start shooting?" he asked, his voice surprisingly calm to his own ears, but his thoughts were racing. He could usually make sense of most suspects' motives, but looking down at her file; there was no sense to be had.

"She needed to learn her place," she spat, the perky tone dissipating into a vile, hateful sound. "She needed to be eliminated."

The way she said it, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. What could this woman have against his partner, to have such a strong desire to kill her?

"Eliminated?" he asked, trying to choke down the stomach bile that rose in his throat.

"Yes. Ever since you started hanging around her, your true fans are missing out. I was doing everyone a great service by trying to get rid of her. She's a distraction for you. So people like me might have a chance to have a night with the handsome, Richard Castle," she said, lowering her voice to a husk as she fluttered her eyelashes.

"You did all of this to try and date me?" His voice was nearly a yell, unable to contain his disgust. Beckett was shot, all because of the fact that someone this deranged had a crush on him… "My personal life is none of your concern, Ms. Mack."

"She's not worthy of someone like you. You're a true white whale, a catch. You're supposed to be with _me_."

Castle was shaking, he couldn't stop. This woman wanted the woman he loved dead, all because of him.

"So you admit to shooting Detective Beckett on the evening of the charity auction?" Ryan asked.

It was a good thing Ryan was able to focus on doing his job, because the woman in front of him was making him sick to his stomach. The idea that someone would go after Kate simply because she wanted to be with him; it had him swallowing back bile.

"I do and I'd do it again," she stated, a smirk playing on her lips and it nearly had him jumping across the table. Anything to stop her from saying anything more. "Only thing I regret was the fact that I didn't take more practice shots, I heard I only managed to hit her shoulder. Such a disappointment…"

His stomach clenched as she sat there, confessing the entire thing as it if was completely justified. The way she winked at him as she admitted to sneaking the gun in and firing, like he would be impressed with her plan. With each word his worst fear had been realized, this was the second time his fame had put a target on Beckett's back and this time it wasn't a delusional man that confused her for the character; no this time it was a fan of his who thought she was simply in the way.

This time it really was all his fault.

* * *

Kate met him in the hall as he bolted from the room. The confession was ugly and Montgomery had been right, it was a good thing she hadn't been in there with them. There was no way she could've stayed calm, and most likely the suspect would've become hostile and agitated. Hell, maybe she wouldn't have confessed anything if she had been in there with Castle. The jealousy would've driven her mad.

Castle glanced at her, but only offered her a sad smile before he walked passed, towards the elevators.

"So that was…crazy," she said, following along, trying anything to get him to stop and talk to her.

"Yeah," he murmured, not turning around or slowing down.

Beckett didn't know exactly what was going through his head right now, but she knew Mack's confession hadn't sat well with him. Though she was fairly certain it hadn't sat well with anyone, because she felt a little nauseated from the knowledge of how close it came and how she was definitely the target.

When it had happened, she had thought it was just a stray bullet, wrong place at the wrong time, but now she couldn't live with that theory anymore.

"Castle?" She reached for his hand, her palm kissing his. The contact left him stuttering to a stop. His gaze fell back to her, as pained as it may be.

"I'm going to head home. I should probably check on Alexis."

"Castle, wait. Just give me a minute first," she said, pulling him toward the abandoned hallway, into the small supply closet. As much as he seemed to protest with his expression, his body willingly walked along with her.

"Beckett, I really need to go," he mumbled, his eyes avoiding her, darting around the room.

No.

Not after everything that had happened last night. They needed to talk, maybe not about them, but they sure as hell could talk about this. She reached up and cupped her hand against his jaw line, forcing him to look at her.

"What's going on? Talk to me," she pleaded, before she removed her hand, the position pulling at her stitches. This pain and lack of movement was going to get old really quick. "When you walked out of interrogation, you looked like you'd seen a ghost, Castle. I mean, I know she's a whack job, but –"

She forced out a laugh, trying to joke about the situation, as much as it sickened her. At this point, she was willing to try anything to stop the hardened look on her partner's face.

"I did this to you," he confessed, the words broken, his voice thick. She moved closer, backing him against one of the shelves.

" _No_ , the blonde Barbie doll in cuffs did," she said, shaking her head. He couldn't do this. It wasn't his fault. God, none of this was his fault and he didn't need to carry that guilt around. He needed to understand that she didn't hold him responsible for what had happened.

"No, Beckett, don't you see. I put you in the spotlight, these books; you didn't want any of it." He placed his hand against the side of her waist, and she smiled at the contact. The simple touch was grounding her, keeping them connected, maybe it would be okay.

"Castle, I'll admit at first it was a lot to get used to, but that was in the beginning," she said, with a laugh, moving closer against his body. "Honestly, I couldn't imagine things any other way."

"Until I manage to one day get you killed," he whispered. She could tell that he nearly lost it on the word killed, his eyes filling with tears, as he blinked rapidly, trying everything to prevent them from rolling down his cheeks. Kate brought her hands up against his cheeks, bracketing his face - to hell with her stitches. She had to get through to him, this was far more important than slight discomfort.

"I'm a cop, Castle. My job is dangerous, there's always that possibility of me not coming home at night."

"But I shouldn't add to it," he scoffed, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. "You shouldn't have to deal with deranged fans on my account."

"It's fine."

"No, Beckett it's not. It's –"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying maybe I should take a step back."

As soon as he said the words, her mind started spinning. This wasn't how the day was supposed to go. She told him she loved him. He told her he felt the same and now he wanted to leave her again? Just like last summer?

"A step back. Wha – what about last night?"

"Kate, please. Don't make this any worse," he said, wiping the path of tears that she hadn't realized were streaming down her cheeks.

Fuck.

"Any worse? Castle, I tell you I love you and now you want to leave me."

"Don't you see? I have to leave _because_ I love you. I put you in the crosshairs, Kate. I did this to you!" His voice was booming, but she couldn't let him think that. How the hell could he think that? There was no way she could ever blame him for any of this.

"Castle stop…It's not your fault…"

"Beckett, this wasn't the first time. First Scott Dunn and - damn you nearly died when your apartment burnt down. And now you were shot by someone else that was fixated on me?" He wouldn't meet her eyes, but she could see the pain within his expression. All she wanted to do was wrap herself in his embrace because the guilt that he was carrying around was the only thing killing her.

"You have been the best thing to happen to me, Castle, the best thing in my life in the longest time...You're my best friend above all else," she sniffed, blinking back further tears that threatened to fall.

She reached out for his arm as he twisted the handle, Castle turned back toward her, squeezing his eyes closed and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"I need to go – clear my head. I'll call you later, Kate."

Her heart sank and her eyes slammed shut as the sound of her partner walking out the door echoed throughout the space, causing her body to jump as the door closed behind him.

This wasn't happening.

 _No_.

Taking a deep breath, Kate shook her head and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. She wiped away her remaining tears as determination coursed through her veins. They weren't going to end before they had the chance to even begin.

Not if she could do anything about it...

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks so much to everyone reading this story. Your words and feedback are appreciated more than you know._

 _xoxo_

 _To my wonderful betas...your friendship and humor keep me on my toes and constantly leave me laughing._


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Wasn't expecting real life to get so real..._

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 ** _Chapter 9_**

* * *

 _"If you're not the one for me  
Then I'll come back  
And bring you to your knees…  
If you're not the one for me  
Why do I hate the idea of being free...?_

 _And if I'm not the one for you_  
 _You've gotta stop holding me the way you do_

 _Oh honey, if I'm not the one for you?_  
 _Why have we been through what we have been through…"_

Water Under The Bridge – Adele

* * *

"Richard."

Castle glanced up from his blank word document to find Martha standing in front of his desk, her eyes narrowed.

"Hmm?"

That was apparently not the response she was looking for, as she offered him an exaggerated sigh and a roll of her eyes. He wasn't in the mood for theatrics right now, but when her hands moved to her hips, he could tell he didn't have a choice.

"I've been standing here for the last ten minutes calling your name. You were sitting here staring off into space with an expression like you've seen a ghost," she scoffed, flailing her hands as she spoke. It's a wonder how that Tony award had always eluded her.

"I'm fine, Mother," he mumbled.

Maybe he was the furthest thing from fine. Maybe he felt like everything he had hoped for and dreamed of just crashed down around him.

Maybe.

But what did it matter?

He was sulking. There was no way around it, no other word for it. Yet the knowledge of what he was doing didn't help anything – it didn't provide him with even the slightest comfort. How could he ever feel better about the woman he loved getting shot because of him?

Scrubbing his hand down his face, he eased off of his desk chair and walked out the door toward the kitchen. It was too much to ask for that she would drop the subject, but this was his mother; Martha meddled. With a sigh, Castle turned around to find her standing there arching her eyebrow.

"I've seen what fine looks like and Darling, you look the exact opposite of fine."

"They caught Beckett's shooter," he admitted, moving away from her stare in search of something to drink. This wasn't exactly a conversation he wanted to be having, but now that he'd said this much, there was no escaping the discussion.

"That's excellent news!" She paused from her celebration when he looked back at her, as if she could feel the anguish etched behind his eyes. "Or maybe not?"

"No, it is great news," Castle said with a nod. "Knowing that she's off of the streets and won't come after her again, it's great, but – I can't help but feeling like it really _is_ all my fault." He reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water, chugging the liquid to avoid her scrutiny. She was his mother, of all people, she wouldn't understand.

"Richard, how on earth is it your fault?" she asked, sighing at the idea.

"The shooter was a fan of mine, though more obsessive than just the run of the mill groupie."

"A fan? So why go after Katherine?"

"According to the woman, Beckett was in her way of true happiness with me," he muttered, leaning against the countertop and resting his head on his hands.

"So this woman had a screw loose."

"Probably several." He walked over to sit on one of the stools next to Martha and offered her a small smile.

"Exactly, but I'm still not seeing a reason for you to look like you lost your best friend," she said, laying her hand against his forearm and giving it a small squeeze.

"Well –"

All the ways he wanted to explain it jumbled on his tongue. His words failed him for once, an ironic twist that was not lost on him. Though, even in his own mind, he was starting to question everything. He feared that he was the cause of all of this additional pain in her life, but the selfish desire to remain by her side was putting his thoughts in constant turmoil over the last couple of hours.

"Please tell me you are not blaming yourself for all of this, Kiddo."

"How could I not?"

"Oh, Richard," she whispered, her eyes crinkle as her lips form a thin line. Castle could tell by her hesitation that she was trying to choose her words carefully, moving her hand to rest on top of his. "Did you shoot her? Did you knowingly put a target on her back? Did you invite that hussy into the benefit and ask her to fire at Katherine? I'm pretty sure the answer is no to all of those questions…"

"I never wanted her to be in danger because of me," he murmured, trying to hold in the tears that were glassing over his vision. The fact that she could've died, all because of someone that was in love with his fame and his public persona. How could he live with that? Kate was one of the most important people in his life, the woman he hoped would be his last true love and he almost got her killed.

"You listen to me, Katherine Beckett is a strong, independent woman and she can take care of herself. You can't control what happens to her anymore than you can control the weather. She's a cop – her day job is as dangerous as they come."

"Mother, you don't –"

"Just ask yourself this, would you want her to feel responsible if something happened to you while you were shadowing her?" she asked, interrupting his fumbled explanation.

"Of course not. I signed up for that. I knew the danger." No sooner than the words slipped from his tongue, he could see her lips curl to a knowing smile. She had tricked him.

"Then how is this any different?" Her voice was smug as he groaned in response, trying to open his mouth in defense but everything he wanted to say felt inadequate.

"It feels different, somehow," he said, contemplating. He knew it wasn't, not really, because if he was ever hurt during an investigation – the way she looked when she found him tied to the chair during the 3XK case – it was all the same. Thinking back on that day, there was not even a second where he could have blamed her. Things happen out of their control everyday they worked together, but it didn't mean they should be apart.

They were always better together.

 _No_ , not anymore. The shooter was gunning for Beckett, because of him, the thought pushing itself back to the forefront of his mind. She was targeted…

Because of him…

"You tried to save her, Darling. That makes you a hero in my books."

"I never wanted any of my fame to make things harder for her."

"I know you didn't and she knows that too," she reminded, but he shook his head. Logic couldn't help with how shattered his heart felt.

"I want to protect her…"

"By being the martyr?" Martha asked, her voice laced with sarcasm. He wasn't being a martyr; he only wanted to make life safer for her

"Mother…"

She shook her head, apparently done listening to his excuses. That was all he had left at this point. Just excuses that aimed to calm the panic flowing through his veins from the moment he had learned the truth of the shooting.

"Don't look at me like that…" She hopped down from the bar stool, and glided toward the closet, no doubt in search for one of her dozens of coats that crowded the racks. "You know that's what you're doing. Just think about it before you do something drastic that you'll regret," she called, from inside the closet.

"Where are you off to?" he asked, happy for a change in the conversation as she closed the door with the chosen garment hanging from her forearm.

He preferred to sulk alone. Well not entirely alone, he'd have a nice glass of scotch to keep him company.

"Dinner for Annabelle Baker's birthday. Even though she stole my role in that Off-Broadway play from last summer, I still need to keep up appearances with that crowd," she said, shimmying into her jacket and giving him a wink.

"Now who's the martyr?" Castle forced a half-hearted laugh, as she found her clutch on top of the counter. Martha leaned up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before turning back to the door. "Have a good night, Mother."

"You too, Kiddo," she mumbled with a little wave, walking out the door. "And think about what I said."

* * *

This was probably completely and totally against doctor's orders.

Hell, there wasn't any probably about it; it was _definitely_ against doctor's orders. Kate was supposed to take it easy. Rest. Her focus was meant to be on her healing from a gunshot wound, but instead she was tending to her broken heart.

She couldn't accept it – wouldn't accept any of his excuses because that was all they were, just excuses to delay the inevitable. Delaying and hiding, that was what she had always been good at, but she was done hiding.

Done fighting with herself and with all the reasons why _this_ was a bad idea. She couldn't think of a case of why they shouldn't be together, because there wasn't one. The way he held her last night, the way he looked at her, the way he made her feel a warm glow throughout every last cell of her body; they were meant to be something.

No, not just something, together.

Her heart was in this, it had been for awhile now and she was sick of letting her fears and insecurities get in the way. For years now, she hid from the world and her emotions so she wouldn't feel any more pain like she felt when she lost her mom. Her walls were strong, reinforced from years on the job, years of fighting for truth and justice, years of trying to find the truth for her mom with nothing but dead ends staring back at her. She had thought those walls protected her, she thought there was no way around them.

She had thought so many things, before she had met Castle.

However, with him, all bets were off. He managed to slowly scale the barriers around her heart and set up camp. She cared about him far earlier than she would ever admit out loud or even to herself, but it was all too much. It scared the hell out of her because he was her partner, the person she turned to and if something happened to that, if they crashed and burned – what would she be left with? She had convinced herself that it was better to have him as a friend than risk it all, trying to move forward and find someone that would make her feel things even a fraction of the way she felt about Castle, but it was all pointless.

Now, after everything they had been through, she wasn't going to let one of Castle's groupies stand in their way. True, that groupie had a gun and shot her in the shoulder – but it wasn't his fault and she'd be damned if he self-sabotaged their future together.

Those thoughts and a healthy dose of adrenaline were what propelled her forward as she passed his doorman, William, with a friendly wave and made a beeline to his elevator. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her lungs were trying to keep up as her mind started to reel with all the possibilities, of Castle rejecting her and sending her away. She shook her head.

 _No._

Swallowing down every last bit of anxiety that formed the massive lump in her throat, Kate took a deep breath as the elevator doors slid open to his hallway. Her eyes darted out and narrowed in on his front door. She was really doing this…

Time stood still as she stood staring at the wood grain of his door, her fist hovering, waiting. This was ridiculous. She was being a child. Pushing down whatever hesitation remained; Kate knocked and then stepped back. The echo of the noise rattled in her mind and she closed her eyes to keep herself in one piece. Tucking her curls behind her ears, her body was full of nervous energy that she had to control before she exploded. Her thoughts raced as her heart rattled against her ribcage.

Oh, this was a bad idea.

"Beckett?"

Her eyes flashed open to meet his stunned expression, as an eerie calm washed over her body. It was going to be okay.

She could feel it...

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks to each and everyone of you for reading this. Your outpouring of support of this story has been overwhelming and humbling. I appreciate you all!_

 _xoxo_

 _To my love beta snarky squad- you guys make me laugh so much with each edit you make. You all make me a better writer and you're amazing friends._


	10. Chapter 10

**_._**

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 _Chapter 10_

Castle stood propped against his doorway; his jaw agape, as if she was the last person he had expected to see standing out in his hallway.

"Can I come in?" she asked, her voice soft, tentative. "We need to talk."

Her heart was rattling in her chest as she looked at him, waiting, with her eyes wide and pleading. All he offered her was a small nod before opening the door further and turning to walk into the loft.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he muttered. He was still turned away from her, his head hanging, as if she had offended him by showing up tonight.

"You…"

He stuttered to a stop, slowly facing her. Good. If her mere presence wasn't enough to grab his attention then at least her honesty seemed to be effective. Castle's face was stunned, but open, his eyes brighter than they had been moments earlier when he had answered the door. She paused, unable to think of anything else to say, all remaining thoughts lodged in her throat, but the single word seemed to be enough.

"Kate…" he whispered, finding his voice. "I thought we talked about –"

Her heart sank. How could he think that they had actually finished that conversation? Did he really think she would just give up on the idea of them? Had he given up?

Castle's shoulders slumped as he walked toward his kitchen and she knew it was his way of distancing himself physically for the conversation. He could try, but there was no way in hell she was going down without a fight. She scrubbed her hand from her uninjured side down her face, trying to calm herself. This man was the most infuriating person she had ever met.

"Castle, stop," she sighed. "We didn't talk about anything. _You_ talked, _you_ decided."

Kate caught up to him before he could reach the fridge; laying her hand along his bicep to try and stop him. This wasn't the same man that she woke up with on the couch. This version of her partner was closed off, guarded and it broke her heart.

"You should probably go home. You need to rest."

"I'm not leaving until we get to talk. _Really_ talk," she said, nudging his arm so his body was forced to face her. That was when it hit her, his emotions weren't off. They were written in his eyes, etched in the worry lines and dark circles.

"What else is there to talk about? I'm putting you in danger," he choked out.

She wanted to be angry with him for acting like this, but the guilt that he felt was apparent in every action, every passing glance. The bullet hadn't killed her, but the way that this was hurting him - _that_ might.

"Stop treating me like I'm some sort of a helpless child, Castle," she demanded, running her hand down his arm until she found the warmth of his and laced their fingers. "I'm okay…" she assured, squeezing their kissing palms for emphasis.

"No, you're not –"

"Look at me, I'm _alive_ ," she murmured, cupping his cheek and tracing the dark circle under his eye with the pad of her thumb. "Please don't shut me out."

"I care too much about you, Kate - to let you get hurt again, because of me."

"Castle, you didn't hurt me. This wasn't your fault and I could _never_ blame you."

His eyes screwed shut and she knew she was losing him, losing the battle. It didn't matter that she didn't blame him because it wouldn't stop his guilt.

Because he blamed himself…

She needed to do something. She needed to say something to snap him out of this, before he was gone for good. "Would you blame me if a suspect hurt you while we were working a case?"

"You sound like my mother," he mumbled.

"Um, thanks?" she said, a laugh slipping through her lips.

"No, I – she said the same thing, about if I would ever get hurt."

"I always knew I liked Martha..." Kate smirked at him, trying to lighten the mood, but Castle's mouth was still formed in a thin line, apparently jokes weren't helping at all. She hated seeing him like this. "I'm serious, Castle. Would you blame me?" she asked, ducking her head to meet his lowered gaze.

"Of course not," he murmured. "I know it's a double standard, but Kate, I love you so _damn_ much and if anything happened to you –"

"You've always had my back, Castle. That's all I could ever ask for. I could get hit by a car tomorrow or you could get struck by lightning. No one's tomorrows are guaranteed. This whole ordeal taught me that ... I don't want to wake up regretting not taking a risk to only be left with an 'if only'."

Kate took a deep breath. Her thoughts were reeling with so many other things she wanted to say to him. What if it wouldn't be enough? What if his mind was already made up?

She looked back at him, brushing her knuckles down the course stubble of his jaw, the friction warming her skin as adrenaline coursed through her veins. It was now or never, she was done playing it safe with him.

No more excuses.

No more talking.

Words were his thing, not hers.

She needed action.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

The statement hung in the air between them, ringing in the stark silence. Castle's eyes flashed to hers, panicked, but with something more, something hidden. The hypnotic blue darkened as he gasped for air, as her blood raced through her veins, unaware that a simple statement slipped from her own mouth could hit her so hard.

"Wha – what?"

"Kiss me, Castle," she repeated, stronger, confidence easing over her with every breath she took.

His surprised expression faded away. It was like all of his previous restraint snapped as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. He moved his hands, carding his fingers through her long curls and all her thoughts ceased.

God, he was kissing her and it was _perfect_.

Her mind couldn't catch up with her body as she drank up everything his mouth offered. Every nerve ending was ablaze with knowledge that this was finally happening as he pushed her against the nearest hard surface, the granite from the countertop digging into her back. It didn't matter, the pain was welcome if it meant that she had his lips on her skin.

Kate laced her arms around his neck, pulling her body closer against the hard muscles of his chest and it wasn't close enough. The stitches on her shoulder burned, but there was no way in hell she would let that ruin this moment.

They broke apart far too soon, but the necessity for air was too much to ignore, foreheads resting against each other as they panted for a breath, still sharing the same oxygen. She was dizzy from the kiss, but she was addicted to the feeling. Her body was buzzing and even though she was pressed against his chest with his arms slung around her waist holding her tight; she wanted more – needed more.

There was no turning back now.

* * *

This was everything he had wanted, everything he had dreamed of…

No, it was better, _more_.

The heat radiating from her skin and the soft moans that slipped from her lips as his mouth traveled down the skin of her jawline; it was all driving him crazy. His hands couldn't stop traveling across the planes of her body, touching everything he could, mapping every response. She had always been the most beautiful creature he had ever laid his eyes on, but nothing compared to the way she looked right now with him in his arms, so open, so warm.

In his mind, they had always been inevitable. Two souls meant to be intertwined, a force from the universe. How could he have almost sabotaged this? God, he had been an idiot. A soft whimper from her mouth shook him from his thoughts.

"Ow," she whined, breaking the kiss.

His mind went into a panicked free-fall, they had been eager, but he had thought he was still gentle. The last thing he had wanted to do was to hurt her further.

"Hey," he said, cupping her cheek. "We can stop. You're hurt."

"No, Castle. I'm fine. I just twisted my body – stitches pulled. Could only ignore it for so long," she said with a small shrug.

He laid a careful touch along her upper arm, caressing the muscle through the thin fabric of her shirt. There was an undeniable hum in the space between them; the air was heavy from it. Every touch, every glance, shot a spark of white hot electricity coursing through his veins. He wanted nothing more than to move this into his room and not let her go until she had screamed his name at least three times – four if he was lucky, but she was still recovering.

If kissing Kate Beckett was all there was for the time being, he would accept that fate any day of the week because the simple soft brush of her lips alone would be his undoing.

"One day at a time," he sighed, between the hot presses of her mouth on his.

"One day at a time."

"You're really good at this," he chuckled as she sank further into his arms. He could do this forever and it still wouldn't be long enough.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle," Kate giggled against his skin. Giggled, the sound was hypnotic. Almost like a siren song and he was hooked.

"Not that I don't enjoy doing this anywhere, but I'm sure the granite digging into your back isn't the most enjoyable thing."

"Are you suggesting we take this someplace more comfortable?" she asked, arching her eyebrow up at him as she sank her teeth into the pink flesh of her bottom lip. She had to know by now that it drove him crazy, she was good. Without another word, he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist, carrying her to the couch. Kate peppered her mouth against the tendon in his neck and he almost dropped her before setting her down onto the cushion.

"You're evil."

"Evil?"

"Do you know what sort of effect you have on me?"

"I have a pretty good idea," she said, giving him a quick wink before she crawling into his lap, leaning back into his lips.

"Good, don't ever stop," he growled, pulling her into a more demanding kiss. It felt so good, intensifying as she slipped her tongue, exploring. They were almost too far gone, every movement sending him further over the edge.

Maybe ending up in his bed wasn't entirely out of the question...

"Richard? _Oh_ – "

Shit. The sound of his mother's voice sent Kate jumping back out of his arms and across the couch. That was one way to cool things down.

"Mother," he mumbled.

"Hi Martha," Kate said, burying her face into his shoulder and offering her a small wave. He could tell her cheeks were an adorable shade of pink and if it weren't for the fact that this mother just caught them making out like teenagers on the couch, he would tease her about the soft blush on her skin.

"So I see that you two worked out your issues then?" she asked, a smug smile stretching across her lips.

"Trying to…" he whispered underneath his breath.

"Well it appears that you guys were doing a pretty good job of it."

He winced, apparently he grumbled louder than he had thought. This was _not_ the way he wanted his mother to find out about them, but at least it wasn't Alexis. That would've been so much worse.

In hindsight, maybe he should've at least brought her into his office, instead of in the middle of the living room, where at times it resembled Grand Central Station.

"I'll let you two get back to it, no more interruptions from me," she sang with a little flutter of her hand and then danced up the staircase.

Kate peeked her head from the cove of his shoulder and offered him a shy grin, before they both broke out into a fit of laughter.

"Well that was interesting…"

"Never a dull moment here," he mused, tucking a wild curl behind her ear.

"That's one way for her to find out about us," she hummed, moving back onto his legs and lightly caressing her fingertips into the short hairs at the base of his neck.

"So there's an us?" he asked, his eyes wide and curious. He knew the answer and knew he was just prodding her, but this was who they were.

"Definitely. Mr. Castle, I'm not letting you off of the hook that easy –"

"Good. I like being on your hook."

He shot her a quick wink and she rolled her eyes at his line, however it didn't stop the grin from stretching across her features.

"Enough talking," she hummed, brushing her lips onto his as she spoke. The soft contact left warmth pooling low in his abdomen, leaving him dizzy from the feeling.

"And what do you suppose we do instead of talking?" he asked, feigning innocence.

Her eyes flashed to his and his mind went blank as he stared into her darkened pupils. She was right, absolutely done talking because he couldn't say anything further if he tried.

"I have a couple ideas," she whispered into his ear, rolling her hips against his causing a moan to escape his lips.

Oh, she was going to kill him, but he couldn't think of a better way to go.

* * *

 ** _tbc_**

 _Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and I would love to hear from you._

 _xoxo_

 _Words cannot express enough love for my lovely betas who pretty much held my hand with this chapter. Without your friendship and support, it wouldn't have been posted! (xoxo E, A, E, A)_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N : Thanks for all the kindness from the last chapter. Means the world to me and I wish I had more time in the day to respond to every single review._

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU-_ _This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

 _ **Chapter 11**_

Today was important.

After the time she had spent recovering with Castle by her side, today she was finally able to return to work and not a moment too soon. Even with the pleasant company, she had gone a bit stir crazy. They had binged on every movie she owned as well as made a sizable dent in Castle's collection. It was finally time to rejoin the welcome madness and musty air of the Twelfth.

"I feel human again," Kate hummed, walking through the metal detectors and into the waiting elevator. Leaning against the cool steel of the wall, she gently nudged Castle with her hip. She couldn't help the contact with the magnetic pull between them; having him by her side all day might prove to be difficult.

"Being at the precinct makes you feel human again?" he asked, eyeing her as he laughed. The deep timbre of his voice brought an undeniable flutter in her stomach. She was pathetic.

"Well yes, but that's not what I meant. No stitches, back at work, coffee in my hand –"

"Ruggedly handsome boyfriend at your side…" He ran his hand along her arm and pulled her flush to his side as she swatted him away, a taunting gleam in her eyes.

"Will you keep it down…" she hushed, trying her best to hold back a smile, but she was powerless against it. Truthfully, it was a recurring problem over the last couple of weeks, the side effect of being in love.

"Sorry! Secret, ruggedly handsome boyfriend at your side," he whispered, placing a finger in front of his lips. "Though I'm still a little unclear why we're keeping all of this from our friends."

"It's against regulations."

"Because you do things by the books all of the time?"

He had a point, not that she'd ever admit it to him. No need to give him any further ammunition in his quest for – 'what if we snuck away to the supply closet or shut the door to the break room to make out a little'. When she had explained to him this morning that they had to remain completely professional at the precinct, he started to devise a plan to get around her carefully laid out rules.

If she was being honest with herself, she was having a bit of trouble with the idea of not touching him all day after spending her entire recovery together.

" _Castle_ ," she warned, narrowing her eyes.

"I'm just saying, Montgomery has been pushing for us to get together for years so he definitely won't have a problem with it."

She focused her attention on the numbered panel, ticking closer to the homicide floor. This wasn't the first time she heard that excuse. Castle had tried to convince her all last night that her Captain wouldn't care about the fact that they were together now. It hadn't worked then and wouldn't work now. The risk was too big. Her job gave her life meaning, but Castle made everything about it better. There was no way she could lose either one.

"He's been pushing for us?"

"Well, he hasn't kicked me to the curb yet and if that isn't a blessing, than I don't know what is," he said, kissing her temple. Kate sank into the feeling of his lips against her skin until they reached their floor and the high pitched ding caused her to jump away from his warmth.

"You're ridiculous," she scoffed and tried to play it off, rolling her eyes as she walked out of the elevator with Castle following close at her heels.

"Maybe, but you love me for it, so I call it a win."

She froze, slowly turning back and nearly running into him. "Yes, I love you, but I'll love you more if you keep your voice down and act normal. If that's even possible for you…" Spinning around toward her desk, Kate bit back a laugh before shooting him a wink from over her shoulder.

Walking through the bullpen, she found Ryan and Esposito hovering at her desk. They were either waiting for her arrival or demonstrating that they had truly accomplished nothing while she was off work. It was sweet, but she was hoping to avoid any sort of fanfare upon her return. She was shot at a charity event, not in the line of duty. Hell, she would've been back over a week ago, if not for Montgomery's insistence that she took extra time off.

The boys both had smug grins painted on their faces. It was impossible. There was no way they knew already. They hadn't even been here an entire day yet.

"You two look nice and cozy," Esposito said, shooting a knowing glance between her and Castle.

"Yeah, you both look well rested and quite comfortable after your time off," Ryan smirked.

"Are you both so bored that you need to gossip about my personal life? What have you even done while I was gone? Braid each other's hair?" she snapped, her tone harsh. The boys winced at the verbal jab. Maybe she didn't need to be so hard on them, but this wasn't exactly the way she had wanted her day to start.

"Beckett's back – and she's mean," Ryan grumbled.

Castle moved toward her, giving her a quick wink out of the boys' sight. God, this was going to be far more difficult than she had initially hoped. It seemed that her well meaning partner didn't realize the seriousness of the situation. They _needed_ to keep things quiet, but at this rate, five minutes in, she'd give it until the end of the day.

"Not mean, she's just telling you to mind your own business and leave the happy couple alone," Montgomery boomed, walking up to the huddle by her desk. The baritone in his voice caused the boys to jump and scatter back to their own respective work spaces, but their eyes were still glancing their way.

Damn, how did he –?

"Sir?"

Her mouth dropped open as she could feel blood rush to her cheeks, heating the skin. She wasn't embarrassed of her relationship with Castle, but this wasn't the way she wanted people to find out about them, on the first day back from her leave. Nervous energy flowed through her fingertips; her hands were unable to stay still as she toyed with the fabric of her purple button down shirt.

She was unable to avoid looking at her Captain any longer.

"Pick your jaw off of the floor, Detective," he said, a pleased expression etched across his features. He didn't seem upset or disappointed, but this was too easy. There was no way he could just accept the fact that she was dating someone she worked with; it went against every rule there was within the police department.

"How did you…?" Castle stammered, voicing the thoughts that her mouth refused to say.

"Let's just say I have my ways."

"What does –" Kate sighed, allowing Montgomery to interrupt.

"Don't make me regret saying this, but I'm happy for you two."

Okay, so maybe it _was_ that easy...

"What about – what about regulation?" she asked, the words stuttering from her lips. Everything was jumbled in her mind, her mouth was dry and all excuses and explanations were lost on her tongue.

"Regulation? Beckett, you do understand that we don't actually pay him to follow you around," he said, chuckling as he walked back into his office. She waited until she heard the click from the door before she turned back toward Castle.

"So…"

"The fact that we're together is officially the world's worst kept secret."

"Did you really think we could? We're kind of adorable," Castle smirked. His hand brushed against hers, making her jump back to increase the space between them.

"Rule one, just because they know doesn't mean we can act like a couple while we're at the precinct. This is my job, we need to have some boundaries."

"You expect me to go all day without touching you?"

"Yes, in fact I do," she said.

A teasing smile stretched across her face at the way his lips drooped in disappointment. She couldn't stop the faint fluttering in her heart brought on by the sight. Damn, she really loved this man and as much as she didn't want to admit it to him, she would have _just_ as much trouble keeping her hands to herself as he would.

"You're telling me that we'll never get to take advantage of that spacious supply closet that the homicide floor has?" he asked, leering next to her and whispering in her ear.

Kate gasped, the soothing deep tone of his voice washed over her, warming her skin and throwing her off her game, which she could only imagine was exactly what he wanted. Even though the idea of pulling him into the nearest empty room held a certain appeal; she couldn't let him have this much power over things on her first day back to work. Not now, but not never. Though he didn't need to know that…

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, Kate straightened her shoulders and took a step back to meet his eye.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," she teased.

"Ryan is right. You're mean."

* * *

For her first week back, it was surprisingly slow. They didn't have any active cases so she was able to enjoy the weekend without evidence and theories running wild in her mind. She could just relax with Castle.

He had been so wonderful throughout everything and he had actually managed to behave at the precinct. As a thank you, she wanted to spend the day in the city, just the two of them being in love; stealing kisses, wrapping themselves in each other. They were making up for all the restraint they had to display while they were at work.

It was kind of amazing how natural their relationship had progressed from their heartfelt confessions to the comfortable balance of being with each other romantically. As different as they were now, in some ways, it was as if nothing had even changed. Castle was still her partner and her best friend, but now he was also the one person she loved more than anything.

"This was a good idea," he mused, pulling her hand into his, dwarfing her smaller frame.

"I just thought, a long week at the precinct – and you _behaved_ ," she joked, arching her eyebrow at him. "I wanted to say thank you for being there."

"A walk around town with the woman I love is the perfect day."

"Just not any walk." Butterflies flew around her stomach as they moved closer to their destination. It was silly that after everything they had been through over the last couple of months that a casual walk around town would give her this much anxiety.

"Oh really?"

"No, I wanted to show you something, Castle," she murmured, her voice hesitant.

"A surprise?"

"Here." With a pause, she turned toward the old brick building and smiled. It still looked the same. The trim was painted a different color and the signage from the current tenants was new, but it was still the same building from her memories.

"Here? I don't understand. It's an office building."

"Not just an office building," she said, squeezing his hand and facing him again. "This was where my mom ran her legal outreach program. The last place she was the night…"

"Kate –"

"It's okay, Castle." She shook her head. This wasn't a sad memory, just complicated. This place had been important to her mom, it was her passion. It was necessary for Kate to be able to share a piece of her with him. She sighed, "I was proud of her when she worked here – still am. My mom changed lives every day. I couldn't help but be inspired by her."

He reached forward and cupped her cheek within the warmth of this broad palm, tipping it up to meet his eyes. The expression she was greeted with was one of honesty and wonder, like he was in awe that she would ever share a piece of her family with him.

"She would've been proud of you," Castle whispered, looking at her with such attention, it was as if they were the only two people standing in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. "I may have never met her, but I know she would be proud. How could she not be?" The soft pad of his thumb caressed the delicate skin from underneath her eye. She could feel a blush warm her cheeks, but she didn't shy away from him; she was done hiding pieces of herself when it came to Castle.

"That's sweet. You know, she would've loved you."

"Really?" he asked, a wide grin stretching across his cheeks. For all the times she thought her partner had more than enough confidence, the genuine surprise on his face proved it was all an act for his public image. The man she loved was caring and considerate, but just as insecure as everyone else.

"Yeah. How could she not?"

She leaned forward and brought her lips to his in what started as a gentle kiss, but without meaning to, she grew insistent and demanding as her mouth worked against his skin. The absurdity of how quickly they got out of hand left her breaking the kiss with a laugh. He had a way of driving her crazy.

Kate cleared her throat, wiping her thumb against her swollen lower lip as she felt her cheeks flush again. "Anyway, I wanted to bring you here to show you and thank you for all the work you did with the foundation. It's amazing that even after what happened at the benefit, we were still able to raise enough to fund the scholarship program."

"Hopefully next year will raise even more money," he added, running his palm along her lower back, pulling her closer.

"That's if you haven't given up on me yet."

"Katherine Beckett, I'm never going to give up on you…"

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you so much for reading! I would love to hear what you think about the chapter!_

 _xoxo_

 _Only the epilogue remains..._

 _Thanks to my lovely friends for being so helpful with this. Totally owe you._


	12. Epilogue

_All mistakes are my own_

* * *

 ** _For Your Benefit_**

* * *

 _S3 AU- This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom._

* * *

Epilogue

Butterflies fluttered in Kate's stomach, the anticipation of tonight finally sinking in.

How had it already been a year?

She assessed her reflection in the bedroom mirror, smoothing down the delicate satin of her emerald green knee-length dress. The conservative neckline was a nice contrast to the low cut of the back, the exposed skin was sure to drive Castle mad. That thought alone heated her skin and colored her cheeks even through her flawlessly applied makeup. Everything had to be perfect – _this_ time.

Castle emerged from the en suite, freshly showered and all ready in his tuxedo. His cologne filled the air as he passed by. The scent made her skin flush, suddenly craving the idea of throwing him into their bed and peeling the suit from his well defined body.

Yet, she knew better.

Tonight was about more than sinful pleasures.

"Crazy how much has changed in a year," she mused, with one last glance at herself before turning back to the bed where she'd placed her small clutch. While looking through the bag to make sure she had everything she needed, she felt Castle feather the slightest of kisses against the base of her neck. The touch sent a spark through each of her nerve endings, leaving goose bumps in its wake. She twisted around to his mouth stretched wide in a grin. Bastard knew exactly the effect that he had on her.

"I can't imagine what you mean," he teased, his fingers dancing down the bare skin of her arms.

"Don't be smug." She laughed, nudging him back. "You know exactly what I mean. Last year, I was thinking that I was going to show up to this event alone and now –"

Kate tried to wiggle out of his arms to finish getting ready for the evening, but he caught her wrist before she could move much farther.

"Now, you're showing up with your handsome fiancé," he said, his hand toying with the diamond that now adorned her finger.

"My very humble fiancé…"

"You love it."

"Your ego? No, but I love _you_ , so you get a pass," she laughed, moving to place her hands against his sides and leaning into the wall of his chest to steal a quick kiss from his lips.

"Who would've thought?"

"Definitely not me," she said, shaking her head. Sure, she had been a fan of his novels when they had first met, but his cocky personality and her stubbornness had prevented her from ever thinking of him as anything other than an irritating tag along.

She was so happy with how wrong she ended up being.

"You've wanted me from the day we met."

"You really believe that, don't you?"

"I do." His eyes were wide and honest. Maybe he knew more about herself than even she had at the time, but never in her wildest dreams would she have thought that she'd end up engaged to Richard Castle. Yet as the smug smile toyed on his lips, she could tell he wasn't letting this go, no matter how hard she argued it.

"Castle, I couldn't stand you when we first met."

"You say that now, but I know the truth."

She rolled her eyes at his reason, yet she was still unable to resist pressing her lips against his once more. The pull of him was almost magnetic.

"Your ego is messing with your memory, Babe," she whispered, barely any space between them. The haze of his presence fogged her conscious thought enough that she let the pet name slip from her tongue. It worked though, the name felt right.

"Babe?"

"Mmhmm," she hummed, nodding enough that her nose brushed against his, almost like an Eskimo kiss. "Just go with it."

"Never would've pegged you for someone that would use pet names," he mused, happiness laced through every syllable.

He had a point. She had never used them in any previous relationship, but everything about her relationship with Castle was different. Alexis had called them sickening the other day when she caught them making out on the couch like teenagers. Looking up at him now, her heart hammering against her ribcage, Alexis had been right. They were definitely in the 'can't keep their hands off of each other' stage. Though she couldn't really imagine they'd ever grow out of it.

"You must bring it out in me."

"I must. It's the cross I have to bear," he sighed, resting his forehead against hers.

"Such a martyr." She brushed her hands down his tuxedo jacket before a small adjustment to the knot of his tie. The man could definitely wear a tux.

"Ready?" Castle reached for her hand, arching his eyebrow.

"With you by my side?" she asked, carding her free hand through his hair. "Always."

* * *

Well, this was something.

Last year the red carpet was filled with the media. Flashbulbs blinded the attendees as reporters clamored about which designer's gown the women had chosen.

Tonight however...

Her jaw dropped at the sight of the red carpet entrance.

"Oh my god, Castle…" She couldn't even form a complete sentence. The press was still in attendance, cameras were still shooting pictures for a Page Six spread, but that was where the similarities of last year's red carpet ended.

"What?"

"This is a little overboard."

Her well-meaning partner had a security team positioned at the entry doors with more equipment than she even could imagine would be portable for an event of this size. She spotted two large metal detectors as well as what appeared to be a huge x-ray machine in which guests were asked to send their belongings through.

"You were shot last year," he explained with a shrug.

"Yes, but this is almost more security checks than the TSA."

"You were _shot_ last year." His repeated words held no apology for the actions, not that she had expected him to regret anything he had done.

"I was there, you don't have to remind me," she deadpanned, before smearing a kiss against the stubble of his jaw.

"So? There is never enough security to make sure that you're safe."

This was Castle. She should have known he wouldn't pull any punches. The man she fell in love with would protect everyone he cared about at any cost, he'd move heaven and earth if he had to.

"You're sweet." She placed her hand against his forearm, the pressure and touch, seeming to ease the tension from his stature as she offered him a reassuring upturn of her lips. "Overboard, but sweet none the less."

* * *

The ballroom was decorated with bold hues of red and deep purple splashed against the classic black and white of the guest tables. Castle had asked for her input but with how perfectly everything looked last year, she was much more content to have him work with the party planner on all of the final touches for the evening.

"Everything appears to be in order," he reported, moving next to her behind the stage.

"It's great, Castle, really. The boys did an extra check around the room, even after your rather overzealous security measures at the door."

"I just –"

She cupped his cheek in her palm, lightly painting soothing patterns onto his skin.

"This year's different. Everything is going to be okay."

"Shouldn't I be assuring you of that?"

"Probably, but you seem to need the reminder more than I do," she said, running her hand across the broad span of his shoulders, up into the short hairs on the base of his neck.

"Are you ready?"

"Now or never..." She chewed down on her cherry red lip, sinking into the strength of his arms around her waist.

"You'll be amazing," he promised, earning him a soft laugh.

"Castle, you have to say that, I'm sleeping with you."

He chuckled as his eyes danced, clearly amused from her statement, but it didn't make it any less true. Their activities under the covers didn't exactly make him impartial.

"True, but I said that even before that was the case."

"When you were merely _trying_ to sleep with me…" she joked.

"Kate…"

"I'm kidding, Rick." She brushed a kiss on the corner of his mouth and whispered against his skin. "Love you."

Leaving the warmth of his arms, she took a deep breath, letting the pull of oxygen ease her frayed nerves. She wasn't scared, but she was a little more anxious than she had let on to Castle. He was worried enough for the both of them, she hadn't wanted to add more stress to the situation.

It was time.

This year was completely different, in every way possible, in every way that mattered. She glanced back at Castle, the love and adoration shining in his expression and she knew she could do this.

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight," she started, her voice thick as she looked out into the audience, her nerves getting the best of her. Kate paused, turning her attention to Castle for a moment, his expression and presence alone filling her with the confidence to continue.

She wouldn't let fear win.

"Thank you for giving your time and supporting this cause that is very close to my heart. There was a shadow that marred our first event last year, but if my mom taught me anything – it was the _important_ fact that you can't let fear run your life," Kate said with a smile. Her mom had lived that every day of her life. It was one of the many things she had always admired about her. "I take that lesson with me every day of my life, whether it's on the job or standing here in front of you today. Johanna Beckett was an amazing woman, mother, wife, attorney and friend and it's my hope that her legacy will live on with every life this scholarship foundation touches..."

Kate looked down at her notes, her hands slightly trembling. God, she missed her mom so much every single day. She always hoped it would get easier one day, that the hole in her heart would lessen, but no one could bring her back. Even though she was gone and it still hurt, the knowledge that she had Castle to stand by her side, baggage and all, it meant everything to her.

He meant everything to her.

Clearing her throat, she looked out, her eyes blurring with the emotion of everything hitting her as she stood at the podium. This was all for her benefit.

"After the incident that ruined the event last year, you all pulled together and made sure that the foundation wouldn't suffer. You _still_ donated. You _still_ supported it and because of your generosity. I'm _so_ proud and humbled to be able to introduce to you the first scholarship recipient of the Johanna Beckett Foundation, Alexandra Willis."

Kate turned toward the young brunette as she walked up to the microphone, grinning, eyes bright and idealistic. She had been chosen from over 250 candidates. In her opinion, they couldn't have found a more perfect winner. Her tenacity and determination to fight for the truth and to stand up against the injustices of the world were her biggest strengths; she had completely won the committee over in the interview process.

With a short hug, Kate handed Ms. Willis the plaque and smiled as she recited a brief and shaky thank you speech to the crowd, all without an issue or an interruption.

A bit dazed, she ushered the girl down the steps and gave her another quick embrace before she turned in search of Castle. Her thoughts were racings and she could feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She had made it through, fully intact.

"You were extraordinary," he murmured in her ear. She jumped back in surprised, feeling the hard press of his body against her bare back, his arms slinging around her waist. Kate laid her head back on his shoulder, twisting her neck to meet the piercing blue of his eyes with a relieved grin.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You always amaze me, Kate, but tonight? I'm blown away." His tone was genuine. The deep quality not quite covering up the emotion that she could see shining through in his expression.

"I couldn't have done it without you. I owe this all to you. _Everything_. Thank you. I don't think I could ever thank you enough."

"You don't need to thank me, Kate. I'd do anything for you. I love you." He pushed a loose curl from her up-do away from her cheek, gently caressing the skin with the movement.

"I still can't believe I'm lucky enough to have you love me," she whispered, the entire ballroom fading away in the background. He pulled her closer into him, flooding her body in warmth.

"Trust me, I'm the lucky one," he sighed, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke as his hands played with the satin of her dress.

Oh, it would definitely end up on his bedroom floor tonight, hopefully soon.

"Well, I guess we have the rest of our lives to be lucky together."

Rest of their lives, it still amazed her…

"I like the sound of that."

* * *

 _ **The End**_

 _That's all I have for this little adventure. Hope you all enjoyed it._

 _I would love to hear what you all thought! :)_

 _Words cannot express how honored I am by the love you have shown for this story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart._

 _xoxo._

 _Lou- thanks for the original prompt. It was fun to play with._

 _My lovely beta squad...your friendship and support is why this actually is complete._

 _Until next time..._


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